"How To Take A Picture Of Your Filly

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from filly's mouth and throw in corner of lot.
3. Remove filly from corner and brush dirt from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Coax filly into pre-focused spot and return to camera.
7. Find filly again.
8. Forget about pre-focused spot and remove camera from tripod.
9. Chase around after filly, trying to look nonchalant.
10. Focus with one hand and fend off filly with the other hand.
11. Get tissue and clean nose print from camera lens.
12. Find filly again.
13. Unfold tripod from scrambled mess in dirt.
14. Find filly again.
15. Put cat in tack room and put peroxide on scratch on filly's nose.
16. Find filly again.
17. Try to get filly's attention by squeaking a toy over your head.
18. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
19. Fix a drink.
20. Sit back, relax and drink and resolve to teach filly     "whoa" and "stand" first thing in the morning.






Ten Exercises to Become a Better Horseman...


  10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead  and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a  halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: " see, hon. moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million  dollar horse won the blue ribbion. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky  horse.
3. Borrow the U.S. Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and  repeat to yourself,  " this is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:  Marry money.





Wish I Were a Mare

A group of scientists sat around one morning having   coffee and came up with the conclusion that humans are   the intelligent species...that homo sapiens are far   superior in brain power to all of the world's other   creatures. My unscientific brain got to thinking about this...   about how the world could or would be if we acted and   thought more like horses.

This is what I came up with: I wish I were a mare.

1)  That we (mares) should sit at the kitchen table   when our new Quarter Horse Journals (or other Industry   Magazines) came and pick out our men (stallions).  These   stallions would only be the best that were allowed to   reproduce:  good looking, intelligent, athletic,   healthy and excel in a particular discipline.   All others would be gelded.  (Hmmmmm.)   And, we   could pick out a different stallion every year without   earning a bad reputation.

2)  That we should be allowed to roam around all day   and eat (graze), nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize   with our buddies as pretty pasture ornaments with all   our needs taken care of by somebone else.

3)  That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset   and prove that we are "easy keepers."

4)  That we should be waited on, our rooms  (stalls) cleaned for us,   and an "all you can eat" buffet before us every day.

5)  That we should get new shoes or a pedicure every 5   to 6 weeks and get our hair done daily.

6)  That we should be chauffeured around when we need   to go somewhere in an expensive vehicle designed just   for us...oh, and with food in front of us while we travel.

7)  That once our babies are weaned, they can't move   back home.

8)  That we should have better clothes, grooming   supplies, living conditions and medical care than the people who take care of us.

Okay, scientists, now who is really smarter?

To: My Loving Owner

                                                     

From: Your Horse

                                                        

Dear Owner,

                                                             

You have been complaining to me about my bad behavior all week. I may have made a few teeny errors, but before you make any silly decisions let me explain.                                                                 


1. May I remind you that breakfast is to be served promptly at 7:00, NOT 7:02:26. or 7:14:34. I thought you forgot so I hollered and hollered but u didn't hear! Your neighbors heard all right.(remember the ones who sued                                                                      when I kicked that little furball of theirs ? ) They started hollering too.They even heard way down the street at the police station, cuz they came up with their lights all flashing, remember?           

2. How did I know that I WAS AN IMPORTANT LEGAL DOCUMENT?                 I CAN'T READ! I don't think you should have yelled like that.( or     was I stepping on your foot again, oops) Anyways, you managed to piece it back together. Sort of. I found that missing corner in my water bucket today.                                                                   

3.And what is the deal with locking me in my stall all day?  She was such a pretty little mare and I don't even REMEMBER them doing THAT to me when I was a colt.                                          

4. Oh, and about that time when I bolted for home on our trail ride, there were LIONS in that trail. Honest-to- Goodness LIONS  I tell you! I probably saved your LIFE, and instead you get all mad at me. How was it my fault that you weren't paying attention when I swerved into that pricker bush to get them off our trail?        

5. Or did you mean that OTHER time I bolted for home on our trail ride?   Well, I heard the grain  bins rattle back home. I KNOW we were 5 miles away, but I have ESP (Extraordinary Sweetfeed Perception).

6. And that veterinarian has it in for me. He thinks I'm a furry          pincushion!  When I saw him coming towards me with that thing...He's getting out of the hospital in a few weeks, isn't he?

7. At that show yesterday... Well, the jumps were so high I didn'tknow whether you were supposed to go over or under them. So I settled for a happy medium. How's your arm feeling today?

Sincerely,                                                               

Your Wonderful Perfect Invaluable (And hungry)Horse