diary Archive: September, 2008.

september, 2008

september 29, 2008
excuses, excuses
This is the second morning that I've watched actual broadcast TV live during the day. I've watched Montel Williams, an episode of the Cosby Show (?!?) and, today, Family Feud. I'm not sure how this started. I'm not sure how it will end. I'm a little bit scared. The excuse I'm using is that it is good company while I knit.   I will stick with that until I've figured this out. In the meantime.... I wonder what the topic will be on Montel tomorrow?

september 29, 2008
today
Silk. Shadow. Crowd. Glance. Turn. Run.

september 28, 2008
ideas: the good, the bad, the dubious
I feel like I've been suffering from a bit of brain fog, but, I've had a really great idea for the website. Also thoughts about a new book. Even in the fog I just keep turning it out.... though, I admit, some of my ideas and better than others.

september 26, 2008
the pro-life kitty
M____ calls me after his walk and tells me "I saw a pro-life cat." He had passed a group of pro-life demonstrators in front of the hospital (small peaceful bunch apparently praying) and noticed they had a small folding chair with a cat sitting on it facing the same direction they were. I'm no fan of going for walks (or of anything pro-life), but that I would have liked to have seen. Fuck - I would've snapped a picture and posted it here.

september 26, 2008
today
Future. Glass. Gold. Electric. Canvas. Code. Love. Fire. Winter. Edge. Call. Truth. Beauty. Destiny. Chant. Weigh. Realize. Confess. Lie.

september 25, 2008
the compact disc miracle worker
How concerned about my level of disorganization should I be? Today I bought a copy of a CD that I already have but cannot find. Is it time for me to do some heavy-duty tidying? Nah! So long as I can afford second copies of things it will all be fine. Right? Right. See - I am a miracle worker when it comes to convoluted logic. Applause, applause.

september 25, 2008
blow him away

Click image to enlarge
Thank you to website guest, DS, for providing this great photo.

september 24, 2008
waking up with the book on fire
I've been thinking that I would like to host a good, old fashioned book burning. Bring all the self-help/new age books from far and wide. All those books that make you feel shitty about yourself in the name of making you feel better about yourself.... but not actually succeeding at it... 'cause there's no reason to buy more of their books if you feel good about yourself. Bring on the lighter fluid. I'll strike the match.

september 24, 2008
homophobia from a homosexual
Clay Aiken finally admits that he is gay.... big fucking deal.   What a nerve though... going berserk on anyone for asking him if he was gay.... as though being gay was the worst possible thing you could call someone. So now he comes out and wants to be patted on the back for it? Fuck that.

september 24, 2008
today
Power. Purpose. Peace. Stepping forward. Attempt. Refine. Succeed.

september 23, 2008
must have been some comic book
Nap time dream: In a Library. Minnie Driver is there and some dispute we're having is about to come to blows. I believe we're fighting over a comic book. She gives me this huge, self-satisfied smirk. I say to her, "You Bitch!" I know that fists will soon start flying - I'm okay with it though, feel ready for it. Then I woke up. Really groggy.

september 23, 2008
candy cd boy
Getting 8 CD's on my birthday two days ago and then buying 2 more today has been a real trip. Ten new discs - all of them wanted and well-liked. Rotating them. Playing some straight-through, jumping around on others. I feel like a kid in a candy store.... or, well, I guess a kid in a CD store. Okay, well, me in a CD store. A really good CD store.

september 23, 2008
today
Lips. Candle. Book. Jewel. Turn. Knit. Fixate. Love. Warn.

september 22, 2008
fuck a duck
My DVD/CD/MP3/JPEG player will no longer play anything but DVD's... and pretty much plays them perfectly. Figure that one out.

september 22, 2008
today
Circle. Stone. Scent. Fire. Silver. Autumn's arrived. Winter to soon follow. It's the 22nd of September, 2008.

september 21, 2008
it was 38 years ago today
I was born on September 21, 1970 in a hospital that was recently torn down. It was directly in the sight line of my balcony. I was named after my father and an uncle who had died in infancy. It was a rainy Monday night, shortly after 9pm. My sister had turned five years old just ten days before. We have been estranged for the past dozen or so years. We are both Virgos, we both look like our mother and we both have a freckle on the the inside of the left foot. Some things are indelible and stronger than petty grudges, hurt feelings, misguided words and actions and differing value systems. Stronger than the hospital I was born in 38 years ago today.

september 21, 2008
today
Knit. Random. Atlas. Shirtless. Fragrance. Charm.

september 20, 2008
tomorrow
Tomorrow I will be 38 years old. Time for liberation. Time for empowerment.

september 20, 2008
billy wigboom & the post-it note
Billy Wigboom woke in his hotel room - he wasn't sure what city he was in or what day it was or much else for that matter. It was like this everyday, which is why he would aways affix a post-it note to the center of his chest at bedtime with pertinent info written on it for the following morning.   He swiped the note off his chest and held it out at arm's length in front of him. He always kept his eyes closed at first - as was part of this ritual, this superstition. He opened them to see only one word written on the note: "Remember." Which was, of course, useless. He jumped up from the bed quickly, looked around the room and quickly sat back down. He picked up the note again and stared at its cryptic message, his head cocked to one side as though straining to hear a voice in the distance.

september 20, 2008
today
Fractal air. Saturday morning. High. Waiting on a call. Knit. Respite. It's the 20th of September, 2008.

september 19, 2008
i put the mad in madonna
Woke from my nap by a dream I was having where everyone was pissed off at me for some reason. Dr. A___ no longer wanted to be my doctor cause he was pissed at me and wouldn't say why. He had gotten really fat and was wearing a short-sleeved purple and blue striped shirt (which he would never wear in real life). I seem to think he agreed to be my doctor again after some kind of confrontation that I can't remember. Also pissed at me was Madonna of all people. The reason that she was angry with me had something to do with a bottle of wine. Dad and I were at her house - she didn't seem to be there. But she had written something really nasty about me on one of her walls - I wish I could remember what it said but it's gone now.... I just know that it was nasty and that it had something to do with the bottle of wine. Maybe she thought I stole it from her? Especially weird considering that I don't drink. At least Dad wasn't pissed at me as he has been during recent dreams. He seemed as mystified as I did about why Madonna was so pissed at me. That's all I remember of the dream.
It's funny - years ago I saw a book in a bookstore called "I Dream Of Madonna" which was a collection of people's dreams about her. At the time I thought, "You must be joking - who are these losers that are dreaming about Madonna?" So I guess the joke is on me. And, you know what? This isn't the first time I've dreamt of Madonna. Why I've ever dreamed about her is beyond me. I'm a fan of her music, sure.... but I'm not THAT big of a fan.
I think I wanna find a copy of that book.

september 18, 2008
we are revolution
I feel this shift in my psyche and it's making me think about the concepts of empowerment and liberation. I'm realizing now that that's what my diary entry the other day ( see: "you will not be denied" below) was about. Empowering yourself and liberating yourself. No longer being a slave to whatever and freeing yourself from whatever.... whatever being whatever it is that's preventing you from becoming more and more who you really are. Aspiring to be a better version of yourself so that you no longer feel shitty about yourself and so that no one else has the power to make you feel shitty about yourself. It's a pretty radical way of thinking, really. Especially considering that just about everything in our society is designed to make you feel shitty about yourself. So if you are empowered - if you are liberated - you are going against the grain. Makes you a revolutionary. And that's a great, great thing to be. The revolution is you.... you are the revolution. I am the revolution. We are the revolution. We are revolution.

september 18, 2008
i'm so masculine i could cry
As a man who knits I can tell you that men who knit are way more evolved than those who don't. And though knitting is thought to be something that is part of the domain of women, men who knit are more in tune with their masculine energy. After all knitting is making something, building something. Things that are thought to be part of the domain of men. Men were the first knitters anyway - a zillion years ago men knitted nets for fishing. It's thought to be the earliest known instance of knitting in history. So guys - the time has come - grab your needles.... wait that didn't come out right.

september 18, 2008
thank god
Saw Dr. B______ today. Says that I'm doing well - that the pneumonia will soon have run it's course. I still need to lay low for a little while as the virus might take a bit longer to depart.   I actually do feel quite a bit better.... and that's the first day since this started that I can say that. Getting better. Thank God.

september 17, 2008
life among the muppets
Sometimes I look around me here in my domain and feel like I'm the special guest star on "The Muppet Show." Who knows? Maybe I am. Sometimes it's hard to tell with these kinds of things.

september 16, 2008
you will not be denied
Everything that rises in this darkest hour will be a test. Will challenge you to rise higher. Higher and higher. Further. Further out into the world you know and deeper into the one you don't. You will be able to see colours - formless and weightless - above and all around you. Each colour unique, representing a facet of what you're comprised of. Each able to speak in a voice that resonates inside of you. This is your truth and no one can ever deny it. No one. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your foes. Not the trauma. Not the feelings of inadequacy. Not the bullies. Not the hard-hearted. Not the times of compromise. Not the teacher who hated you. Not the person that hit you. Not the people who hate you. Not regrets. Not the person who embarrassed you. Not poverty. Not the people who speak badly of you. Not the people who laugh at you. Not the people that only tolerate you. Not the people that make you hate your body. Not the people who make you ashamed. Not religion. Not education. Not television. No one. No body. Not ever. You will not be denied.

september 16, 2008
knit bitch
Trying to knit without incurring the wrath of Madame Carpal Tunnel. She's a bitch.

september 16, 2008
today
Journey. Wisdom. Tree. South. Heaven. Banjo. Liar.

september 15, 2008
late night discovery
There are witches in my freezer. This doesn't concern or surprise me much... I've learned to roll with the punches. I just wonder how did they get there? And what, exactly, do they want?

september 15, 2008
at seventeen
Having pneumonia is quite simply a major fuck over. But - on the plus side, these super-dose antibiotics they've given me really are doing something. After only a couple of doses I am having significant improvement with a lot of my symptoms... so at least that's going on.
The only other thing for me to do is rest/sleep. It always come backs to that - resting and sleeping. This is something that I constantly have to re-learn over and over and over again. I don't sleep enough in general and it bites me in the ass at every turn.
I___ just told me to "give yourself permission to rest deeply." She's told me this before. M____ tells me the same thing.... as does my mother ....as does Dr. A____.
Maybe I don't listen because I've never matured emotionally beyond the age of 17.... so the more I'm told to do something the less likely I am to do it.... just like any teenager. Maybe they should all start telling me, "You sleep too much! You spend too much time sitting on your ass doing nothing! You get WAY too much rest! For Christ's sake: over-do it! Wear yourself out!" Then the 17 year old in me would pop out and, in that sneering voice, tell them all: "Fuck you - I'm going to bed! I don't have to do a damn thing you tell me! I'm resting - now leave me the fuck alone!"
It sounds funny but, you know what? It would probably work. Hey - I never said I wasn't crazy.

september 14, 2008
today
Heart. Spider. Ring. Nine.

september 14, 2008
then i fell asleep
Just watched the movie "Then She Found Me." It sucked.

september 12, 2008
just fucking lovely
So last night all that dry coughing, coughing, coughing I was doing for the past week suddenly turns into a high fever and the cough becomes productive... really productive/really gross.
Go to doctor - doctor says "Oh you have pneumonia." Wonderful!
I'm so happy that my depression is easing up just in time for fucking pneumonia. Just fucking lovely.

september 12, 2008
today
Mission. Tempo. Align. Echo. Distance. Time.

september 12, 2008
perfect sense somehow
Sometimes certain forms of expression seem like nonsense. But sometimes if you let it, it will speak to something inside of you. And then somehow perfect sense is made. Sense perfect. Somehow.

september 11, 2008
typing in the moonlight
Smashing. Crashing. Night time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watching colour.
Demolishing feelings of inadequacy.
September September. Stay here. Keep at it.

september 10, 2008
fuckup
Everything is just one big fuckup. Global fuckup. Universal fuckup. The human race - just one giant fuckup. I'm a fuckup, you're a fuckup, wouldn't you like to be a fuckup, too?

september 10, 2008
today
Might be a party - might be an astronaut.

september 9, 2008
motherfuckers
Blah, blah, blah. Another day of shitty sleep, vexing dreams, coughing and feeling deeply depressed. At least I had a shower - can you believe it - will wonders never cease?
So what the fuck is my problem? This is not who I am. Not who I want to be.
I think a couple of really good nights sleep would do wonders. But I just can't seem to get there.
I have Dr. A____ tomorrow. Hopefully he can sort this shit out. Cause I, obviously, can't seem to figure it out on my own.
Fuck. I have such a good life and so many, many, many things to be enormously grateful for - and I am. I definitely am. But this shit is tricky. It's hard. And no - no one ever said life would be easy... but the least they could do is give you some pointers for time like these. Motherfuckers.

september 9, 2008
today
Monsters, blue cars and piss.

september 8, 2008
sweet dreams AREN'T made of this
More dreams about Dad tonight during my nap. They weren't as distressing as the ones from last night... but they were weird. Tonight in my dreams he was repairing things - we were at the summer house and the ceiling in my bedroom was crumbling.. he fixed it I think and other things in the house... big things - structural things. There was a moment where he seemed angry at me but it was a brief flash. There was also something about this peculiar white and blue bird that got in the house... which, of course, freaked me out... but Dad caught it and took a liking to it.
Oh yes - and I was told that the reason the ceiling was crumbling in my bedroom was that there were dead bodies stashed in the attic - bodies, I was told, of people my grandmother killed! Which is bizarre and hilarious. It reminded me of another dream I had (Check diary archives for it.) that involved a dead body - my fathers - in the little closet under the eaves in that same bedroom.
But things get even stranger....
I just talked to J_____ and told her about the dead body aspect of my dream tonight. She reminded me that, in fact, somebody had actually died in that house (in the kitchen) many, many, many years ago. Also that somewhere on the property (no way of knowing exactly where) in the fields a couple of children were buried. Probably a century ago by now. So, yeah.... weird.
On the plus side - I had a great laugh when J_____ told me about her dream tonight.... in her dream she went to a fortune teller who asked her what, more than anything else, was on her mind. She told him, "Sex!" The next things she knows she's getting fucked by a body with no skin on it... and a pointy tail. Which sounds exactly like what happened to Rosemary in "Rosemary's Baby." I couldn't believe that J_____ had never seen it. So when I told her that Rosemary gave birth to the child of Satan after her sex-with-a-demon "dream," I laughed and told J____ that she was the virgin mother - that in nine month's she would give birth to Satan's little offspring. (Which is pretty crazy considering that she is 67 years old. Then again I don't think menopause would stand in the way of the devil). Personally, I can't wait.
Ah - just when I think that I am the craziest person around, I remember that J____ is infinitely crazier than me. Crazier than most, in fact. Then again - it's a big part of her appeal. Certainly she makes me laugh a lot. And the best part is that J____ possesses the ability to laugh at herself.... which is such a great quality to have.
So - maybe I'm feeling somewhat better tonight. Still haven't had a shower (oh well) but maybe tomorrow. I have a feeling that whatever this funk I'm in is lifted it will just go away in a blink. I'm just gonna ride it out til then... but I think it may go soon. What will come in its place is anybody's guess. I just hope I don't dream about screwing Satan... then again it would be pretty funny.

september 7, 2008
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I don't know what this is that I'm caught up in right now - depression, exhaustion, anxiety... maybe just plain old laziness? Sloth - for sure. I think the sloth is a symptom of depression. Maybe the depression is caused by exhaustion thus the laziness and anxiety. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know that this isn't good.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
During my nap tonight all I did was dream about my father. Anxiety dreams. In one I incurred his anger and then did things to further make him angry without really realizing what I was doing to make him angry in the first place. Which sometimes was an issue between Dad and I - him being royally pissed but not necessarily telling me why. I mean he would say (or yell) why... but it always seemed his anger was too large for what he said was the problem. I wonder now if he was afraid to say why or maybe just couldn't articulate it. Who can say for sure now, at this distance? Especially with him in the afterlife and myself still in this life.... in other words since he's dead. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The I-made-him-angry dream tonight involved being in church. Which is odd cause Dad never went to church with my mother, sister and I. It was just a weird unspoken thing - no one questioned it - it's just the way it was.
In another dream tonight the anxiety caused by worrying over his strange behavior (the behavior in the dream not in actuality). He seemed despondent, unfocused.... just plain different and that in itself was just plain scary. Needless to say I woke up feeling worse than when I laid down.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
This shit about my father has been percolating in my brain for a while now. Why now? And it just annoys me cause I am definitely not the kind of person who lives in the past. I think far more can be gained - beneficially - in your life experience to just move the fuck on. Just move the fuck on. Shit.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
And then of course there's the fact that it will soon (very soon - a matter of weeks) be 13 years since he died.... and that I still miss him.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Plus I have a sore jaw (from recent dental work), and a sore throat from this weird dry cough that's been driving me nuts for days.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck .
Perhaps I'll take a shower today- then again maybe not. What's a couple of days without a shower matter? See - there's that sloth shit for ya.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

september 5, 2008
eat the sheep
Dancing, dancing, dancing.
Trash, trash, trash.
Beat down the flames.
Eat the sheep.
Drink the Kool-aid.
Gleam ingenious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

september 4, 2008
inflexibility
Forget war, famine and disease - inflexibility will be the downfall of man.

september 3, 2008
severity puppets
Transit kings.
Independent coins.
Moonrise over Verosia.
Aptly savouring.
Mapping.
Earthbound.
Witches of unstable.
California California.
Milk and honey teeth.
Churches of mirrors and citrus.
Sexy ferocity.
Textile tiles.
Wheel. Video. Ink.
Severity puppets.
Dance Dance.
Saints naked and stoned.
Desirabilty factory manufacturing mud.
Into the 2000's and then some.

september 1, 2008
the return of gennifer wax
After six months in Japan, Gennifer Wax made her way back home to face the music - tunes that she was certain she would not want to dance to. But to her surprise her family barely raised an eyebrow upon her return. And in that silence Gennifer Wax realized just how fucked-up and alone she really was.

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