diary Archive: October, 2008.

october, 2008

october 31, 2008
trick or surgery
Oral surgery went really well. It could have been much worse considering that it is Halloween... the surgeon and staff could have been in costume but, thank God, they weren't. I would hate to have someone coming at me with a scalpel and dressed up as one of the Simpsons.   There was some residual bleeding after the surgery... which, I suppose, was kind of appropriate for Halloween. All I needed was fangs.

october 28, 2008
black tongue
This book I'm reading has got me thinking about the end of the world... the apocalypse, the grand finale of the universe as we know it. And I realize that I don't believe that the world will end at all. Now, I don't know if this belief makes me an un-repentant optimist or just painfully naive. I think most people probably do think the whole thing will just... what? Stop? Explode? Implode? Who can say for sure? It's perfectly reasonable to think the world is coming to an end - everything has gone to shit, that's for sure. And that's an understatement for sure. But, I don't know - I just don't see anything just ending... maybe it mutates or morphs or something, but not end. Life will just continue to go on and on in one form or another. I wonder what God thinks about our preoccupation with the apocalypse, doomsday theories and such things? I kind of like to think that God says to himself, "Just you wait," and laughs at us (though not in an unkind way), knowing full well what will really happen... and that what will really happen is beyond the comprehension of any of us. God set this whole thing in motion in the first place - it's his call how it will all go down. Who knows - maybe the joke is that things are actually getting better... but we're so intently involved with our phones, our faces, our computers, our cars, our TV's, whitening our teeth - whatever - that we're missing what is huge and right in front of our stupid faces with our white teeth and paralyzed frown lines. Oh - and today was J____'s birthday. Her chocolate birthday/halloween cake was particularly good. It's decorated with orange and black frosting. After two pieces my tongue is black - really black. Hopefully it wll return to it's natural colour before my oral surgery appointment on Friday. Actually - that might be kind of funny... when an oral surgeon or dentist tells you to open wide and looks in your mouth, I'm sure the last thing he is expecting to see is a black tongue staring back at him.

october 27, 2008
happy halloween, billy wigboom
Billy Wigboom carefully - very carefully - pondered his choice for a Halloween costume. He didn't have an exact plan for Halloween as of yet but was taken with the idea of infiltrating the world in disguise. He had his costume choices narrowed down to just two: Dracula or Frankenstein. He liked the cape that came with the Dracula costume - very dashing. And the ability to shield his face with the cape had great appeal... if only he could wear a cape everyday - to be able to protect his senses from one thing or another that troubled him daily. Then again his build was tall and imposing enough to make a great Frankenstein. He would have a full mask on and nobody would expect Frankenstein to say much - and that would be a good thing too. The two costumes laying on the bed in his hotel room was a funny sight and he laughed out loud at it. It begged the question - who exactly was staying in this room and where did their fashion sense come from? Decide, he thought to himself. He pulled a quarter from his pocket and tossed it in the air, his fate to be decided by a shiny silver coin. The coin landed on his palm and he quickly covered it with his other hand. He slowly revealed the result to himself and was pleased that fate had agreed with what he desired. On the 31st of October, Frankenstein he would be.

october 27, 2008
the emperor's new knitting
I think I have figured out a way to knit and read at the same time. This is a very good thing. I didn't realize how much I missed reading until I started again. But I need to knit - it does so much for me. And there are only so many hours in a day. I think with enough practice I can make it work. I am becoming the King of Multi-tasking. No wait - I like Emperor better... Emperor Orchidbau - Multi-tasker most gracious. Good lord - I (obviously) need some sleep.

october 25, 2008
today
God. Table. Ink. Weather. Design. Frighten. Awaken. Call.

october 25, 2008
red letter dreams
Dreaming about red again... strange. This time I looked in a mirror and saw that my hair was much, much longer than it actually is and most definitely red... just like in that dream about my grandmother (see below) her hair was long and red. I know this red stuff means something - is signalling something or reflecting something.... I just can't figure it out. Is it telling me to stop or to charge forth? But stop what exactly? Charge forth towards what? This is very frustrating.

october 22, 2008
regrets - I've had a few...
I once saw a small piece of paper on the sidewalk on a rainy day and written on it in blue ink were the words, "God is a fag." I regret not picking it up.

october 22, 2008
now that's a reaction
My grandfather died 18 years ago today. It seems like a hundred years ago now. But I remember it all very clearly. My reaction was huge and kind of bizarre. I had no idea what exactly the emotion I was going through was... but whatever it was, it was huge, loud, very odd and exhausting. It scared R_____ - I remember the fear and compassion on her face. I was just thinking that if he were still alive he'd be 96.... this seems young to me since his death seems like an eternity ago. If he were alive now and died tomorrow, would I have the same reaction as I did 18 years ago?

october 21, 2008
today
Mullberry. Flame. Season. Window. Wonder.

october 20, 2008
should have checked the forecast
I feel like I am standing in the eye of a very weird storm.

october 18, 2008
good lord
"You say you care but you don't," an e-mail spits at me, "You are selfish and a phony."

october 17, 2008
while you were out
Eating garlic right before you fall asleep is not the best idea in the world. All I did was dream all night - weird dreams. But come to think of it none of them were distressing, In fact a couple were downright funny. Dreamt about J____ a couple of times. In one dream we are walking to a cemetery downtown with some of those pads of pink "While you were out" message slips. Our plan was to write funny things on them and affix them to different tombstones.... stuff like "Mildred called and said she hasn't heard from you in a while." Which is pretty funny. In another dream J____ and I are entering a posh department store (one that no longer exists that I did work in years ago) our plan was to tell people that she was a sociologist.... but J____ leaned in to ask me "What's a sociologist?" Like I said, funny. So maybe eating garlic right before you go to sleep isn't the worst idea in the world after all.

october 16, 2008
gennifer wax goddamn
Gennifer Wax paced back and forth in her bedroom. Anxiety pressing down. Since her return from Japan didn't elicit the reaction she had expected, she found herself at loose ends. What to do now? She could resume her S&M affair with her step-sister. She could start stalking that guy again. Or she could try something different. Something new. But the thought of taking that kind of risk caused the anxiety to steal her breath away. Trapped - more than anything else she knew she was trapped. Worst of all she was caught in a trap of her own making. "Goddamn," she whispered under her unsteady breath, "Goddamn."

october 16, 2008
marry me
I have been proposed to by e-mail. This is insane.

october 15, 2008
seeing red
My dreams lately have all contained a strong element of the colour red. My grandmothers hair, Christmas lights, the cover of a book and more. The dreams themselves are not necessarily bad. Red is supposed to signify creativity and positive energies.   Of course we also associate red with "Stop," to halt or even danger. Or it could be because I've been staring at this red rug that I've been working on for a month now. It's a tough call.

october 14, 2008
today
I am Verosia. I am Nocagia. I am Tree.

october 12, 2008
compact disc discussion
I've been buying so many CD's lately (even after receiving 8 discs for my birthday a few weeks ago)... it's just unreal. Funny thing I've noticed - I've been playing my music louder than I normally do lately. Are the two things related? Is it an attempt to get more out of the music I'm buying and listening to? A mystery. And I've never cared for mysteries.

october 12, 2008
office politics
In my dream I'm working in an office that I actually worked in in the early nineties. I'm being told by my supervisor that no one in the office likes me at all.... even those that I've become friends with and that it is all being said about me when I'm not there. I look around the office for confirmation... they all look away - no one will meet my eye. So I know it's true. I turn around and leave. It's not their dislike that propels me to leave... it's the deception I can't stomach. Then I woke up wondering if any of it was actually true. Who knows? If it was true though I would be as disgusted as I was in the dream. I don't care if you hate me - just don't pretend otherwise.

october 11, 2008
!!!
Fucking carpal tunnel!

october 11, 2008
a bit of a moustache
In my dream I look into a bedroom at my family's summer home and see my (late and much beloved) grandmother sitting up in bed with two other older women. They are all in pretty flannel nightgowns and seem content. My grandmother (for reasons I can't figure out) has long red - like really, really really red - hair and she is singing the loveliest song. I think maybe Cole Porter.... but I can't remember and it's driving me crazy trying to remember. The other two women have dark hair and one has a slight moustache (the way some women with really dark hair have). The dream gave me the nicest feeling. A really peaceful, warm feeling. So strange for me to feel anything even close to peaceful or warm in my dreams. I must ask my aunt if any of my grandmothers sisters (or maybe her mother) had a bit of a moustache.

october 10, 2008
today
Innumerable logic. Destiny unfurled and wavering. Hands are raised. Glass gleaming green. Someone asks a question. A flower opens. We should be there soon.

october 9, 2008
photographic evidence
I have a photo of my sister and I in one of those inflatable swimming pools in the back yard of the house we lived in when we were both very young. In the photo I'm no more than 2 or 3 and she is no more than 7 or 8. The pool is in a shady spot under a willow tree. We are both looking at the camera smiling and looking quite content - and why wouldn't we be? We're playing in a pool on a beautiful summer day - what could be nicer than that? Which is not to say that our shared childhood was completely carefree and idyllic - not by any stretch of the imagination. No ones childhood is I suppose. But still - I see the photo and wonder how it is that my sister has arrived at a point and place in her life that is so far from where we were that day. I don't think that I'm all that different than I was that day thirty-something years ago... but she definitely is. My mother told me that she underwent some heavy-duty plastic surgery today. Clearly some aspect of her body was distressing her enough to spend a major amount of money and go through, I'm sure, a considerable amount of pain. No one is entirely happy with their bodies - I'm not. I don't know anyone who is. But still. She has a career, a husband who is crazy about her, a beautiful home and a child who is navigating life fairly well... why then would she be driven to such an extreme over something negligible? And what strange stroke of fate has allowed these two people sharing the same genetics and formative years to arrive in such drastically different places? What was that old book called? "I'm OK, you're OK." I'm OK but, evidently, she isn't. I had that photo framed years ago - in the fraction of a second that the shutter clicked that day... we were both OK.

october 9, 2008
the test of time
Listening to Tina Turner singing the song "Private Dancer" is as powerful, poignant and rich today as it was when it was originally released 24 years ago.

october 9, 2008
today
Seven. Crown. Engine. Mary. Winter. 5.

october 8, 2008
ode to tetris
The subconscious is a strange and funny thing. Seemingly nebulous and intangible... but it's actually totally reliable. I've had a large project to conceive of and figure out and then implement - I hadn't a clue as to how I would do it... but I just trusted that if I stepped back from it - removed my conscious self and thoughts from the process - that my mind would sort it out for me all on it's own. And it pretty much has. It's very funny and ironic that the best bet in figuring something out is to not think about it at all. Remove yourself from the process and let your subconscious have it's way with it and then, bim-bam-boom, you've got it. Or enough of it to run with. Sometimes I feel anxious if my subconscious is taking longer than I want it to... I just have to consciously remind myself that it will all sort itself out if I just hang in there. But learning to have faith in anything is tricky. Someone once said that "if faith were easy everyone would believe." Oh my - I'm philosophizing and quoting today. That just can't be good. Oh well... I'll leave it to my subconscious to figure out. In the meantime I will play video games. And have faith. Play video games and have faith - I can do that. Hell, I've had all sorts of good ideas while playing Tetris.

october 8, 2008
the truth
Disallow media, politics, marketing, demographics, mongering and anything destructive or reductive from influencing your identity. Just shrug it all off. You are a higher truth.

october 7, 2008
tina!
I bought the new Tina Turner CD today - only a greatest hits but it had two songs that aren't in my collection. She looks like she's gained weight - and she looks all the better for it. Curvy, sensuous, substantial. Her tits look bigger too. Just plain hot, really. Am I still gay?

october 7, 2008
weather or not
I always say that talking about the weather is the lowest form of conversation. I'm going to sink low for just a moment... The day started with rain very early in the morning... I thought, good. Soon enough though it cleared and I thought, shit. While I was out it became quite sunny and I thought, how depressing! When I got home I was much relieved and able to relax when it clouded over completely. My father died thirteen years ago today.

october 6, 2008
today
This isn't some disco dancing Virgin Mother.... this is a revolution. This is a new way of thinking.

october 6, 2008
boxcar orchidbau
Everyone is coming out with country albums these days - seems like that's the new trend. Why does the recording industry work that way? Why does every label have their artists make an album in the flavor of the day? What about artistry and originality? Oh well... maybe it's time I recorded my own country CD... "Orchidbau Sings the Willies - Boxcar and Nelson." Or maybe "Orchidbau and his Bipolar Band." Maybe "Orchidbau and his Bisexual Bipolar Band" This could actually be interesting.

october 4, 2008
today
Voices. Hands. Red. 9.

october 4, 2008
to sleep or not to sleep
My ass is dragging and my brain is in a fog. I've had two nights worth of sleep that each lasted at least nine hours... you'd think I'd feel more rested but I don't. My brain is also dragging... I feel slow and like I'm struggling for every word I say. Sheesh! I was doing better when I was sleep deprived. Oh my.

october 4, 2008
knit wit
Circular knitting needles really are a miracle.

october 3, 2008
c-r-a-z-y
I continue to just keep on buying more and more CD's lately. Some I'm pleased with... others not so much. Ani Difranco's "Red Letter Year" was a good choice. I was going to say that I have a love-hate relationship with her music... but hate would be a bit too strong a word. Better: I have a love-like relationship with her music. But however I might feel about a particular disc I always have a great deal of respect for Ani. You always know that she has put everything she possibly can into every song and it shows. You never feel like she's being lazy or just trying to fill a disc. So much of that going around these days... putting forward something half-assed for the sake of putting something forward. I don't want to be guilty of that. I end up second-guessing myself sometimes out of fear that something is not quite what it could be. You end up not giving adequate dues to something worthy and potentially putting your stamp of approval on something that you probably should have given a bit more thought to. There is a fine, fine line between second-guessing and honest evaluation. One will drive you insane... the other sometimes leads back to second-guessing which will then drive you insane. Crazy if you do, crazy if you don't. Either way you're just a nut. Not that being a nut is entirely a bad thing to be.... look at J____.

october 2, 2008
fuck who?
As I continue to think about liberation and empowerment I realize that crushing those things that you need to liberate yourself from, and destroying the obstacles that stand between you and what will empower you is not enough. There is the job of liberating yourself from the bullshit you inflict on yourself. Those negative voices in your head are far more powerful, I think, than the ones from outside sources. And it's harder to say "fuck you" to yourself than it is to say it someone else.   The key is to find the source - the origin of what made you feel the way you do about yourself. You can then say "fuck you" to that and maybe move forward a step or two... and if there is one thing I know for sure is that it is all about moving forward.

october 1, 2008
this should be good
So J____ has landed a job as a food demonstrator (those ladies who ask you if you want to try this or that) at a nearby grocery store. M____ and I have a had a great laugh about this... imagining the scenarios that could arise... she'll ask people if they want to try something but then whisper that it's kind of salty... or telling them about having had food poisoning. I do think she'll be quite good at it... but I'm certain she will the most off-beat food demonstrator there ever was.

october 1, 2008
naturally
Dr. A___ today. Took me (nearly) on time. We talked mostly about the upcoming American election... strangely enough, we both feel the same about it... we don't often see eye to eye on political matters. We also agreed that the election here in Canada in just two weeks has a very lackluster cast of characters.   Talked about how there should be an extra box on the ballot to check for "None of the above." At this point that's how I feel. Also told me that he got to go to an Iggy Pop concert on a recent trip. Naturally, I was jealous.

october 1, 2008
today
Alternative. Choice. Chain. Zig-Zag. Sex. Love. Dynamite. Rain.

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