diary Archive: November, 2008.

november, 2008

november 29, 2008
smash beautiful
Urns.
Ashes.
Verosia.
Lemons in crates.
Beaten down flames.
Dizzying heights of love.
Electric shocks.
The perfect tone of absence.
The perfect tone of presence.
The vanishing clothes line.
A glass case filled with glass pills.
Damian cake.
Preparing the premonition.
Preparing for the projection.
And I am at the core....
funny....
morose...
loved...
despised....
exalted....
ignored.
Smash beautiful.
My fist hits the table.
Everything/everyone jumps.
And to everyone I say....
It's time for you to be happy, goddamn it...
It's time for you to have a good time.

november 29, 2008
we didn't know
Sometimes I find myself feeling bad for J____. I don't want to sound condescending or pitying. But I feel for her in the position she's in. She is what she was made to be - like all of us formed by people we didn't choose at an age when we didn't know enough to ask questions. J____'s identity and emotional landscape shaped by someone who was entirely unqualified and inappropriate for the job. Does she struggle with that? Loving this man - her father - so desperately and yet trying not to acknowledge that he is at the center of everything that prevents her from feeling good about herself. I hate him for doing that to her. And sometimes I'm angry at her for allowing it to shadow (and colour) her whole life. Does she sometimes hate him too? I kind of hope she does. I know that's kind of fucked-up... I don't what it means or what that says about me. Frankly, I don't care.... I just want her to feel good about herself and if a bit of hate could do that.... fine.

november 28, 2008
when we are 103
I don't entirely know what is going on with me lately. Why these issues are popping up now. What I do know is this.... A night in late November of 1987. Midnight-ish. After work. R______ and I had had a fast-food bite to eat and after we were just walking around the neighborhood of the store we both worked in. Just talking and laughing as only best friends can do. It was snowing very, very lightly. The world was so quiet at that hour in a quiet residential area. The air so clean and crisp as only winter air can be. We were sliding around on some ice in a parking lot and I looked up at the sky. And it was so black. So perfect. And the snowflakes gently unravelling from it. I thought that if I reached out I might be able to touch the perfect, perfect blackness... but I also knew that there was nothing there to touch at all. The night sky not a ceiling. It was infinity. And infinity existed. It was clear. And I laughed and felt a strange rush through my body. A jolt of what I knew in an instant was happiness. If infinity existed then anything at all was possible. If I could feel that swell, that sweet rush in that moment.... I knew it was possible to escape the blackness that existed - still exists - within me. No matter how bad I ever feel I can remember looking into infinity - infinity so beautiful - and know that no matter what, that possibility to feel joy that was greater than the despair. It was infinite. I will remember that night my entire life... even when I'm 103 years old. Funny - thinking about R______ now... does she remember it as well as I do? Will she remember when she is 103?

november 27, 2008
today
Winter. I remember. It was just like cake. I like you.

november 24, 2008
12 months
This diary will be a year old next week. As I look over it I see myself in subtle (and not so subtle) lights that I have never really looked at before. Stuff that I thought didn't bother me... I see in these entries that they trouble me far more than I care to admit. I also see that I have developed the ability to shrug things off that snagged my path before. I see that I feel great love and times of great contentment and joy. I see that other struggles - especially with the "D" demon - continue on as they always have. I see myself as more of a whole and less of a fragmented entity. That sorrow and joy can co-exist... that you can be fighting the demon and having a good time too... that positivity is the greatest of all forces... that negativity is useless and counter-productive. That it's all about moving forward. That it's all about having faith... especially when it seems that there is little to have faith in. That maybe - just maybe - I am becoming more and more the person that I'm supposed to be.

november 22, 2008
book 'em / leave it to j____
New book pretty well complete. Came together so nicely. It will be appropriate to launch it online on December 1 - the first birthday of orchidbau.com. Had some other ideas to celebrate the birthday too. Should be fun - hopefully fun for my (wonderful) website visitors.
And... Feeling a little less overwhelmed and less dark... keeping things moving and doing my best to get adequate rest. Rest - the most essential element to feeling decent on every level.
Oh and a J____ moment... says she had a horrible dream that her (late) father was trying to kill her (I wouldn't put it past him - but I digress). Then says how it's interesting and good how your mind protects you by not remembering things that are hard to handle. Well... so I'm wondering how she was protected... she's dreaming that her father is trying to kill her... where was the protection?   She must have remembered it if she was able to tell me about it. Leave it to J____. Good lord.

november 21, 2008
zap!
Decided to set up the Christmas tree (artificial) tonight... appropriately enough it was snowing. A blizzard actually. Strange that a week ago it was 16º (celsius) in the middle of the night. The snow was gorgeous - making that pink light that only a snowstorm in the middle of the night can produce. One of the sets of lights for the tree practically blew up when I plugged them in to test them... tripped the breaker in the power bar and made a cracking noise. It was quite startling. You always think of mini lights being so simple and benign. Let me tell you - the fucking things can be downright dangerous. The lesson: test, test, test. Always test. They were plugged in no more than three seconds when they blew... and in that short time the wires were so hot I could barely touch them. Had to wait for them to cool down before I could thrown the damn things out. "On the first day of Christmas my true love blew up the tree..." I shouldn't joke and tempt fate. Oh my.

november 21, 2008
slightly
Demon still screaming but backing down a bit ... mood improving slightly.

november 20, 2008
beat the demon down
Trying to reach out despite the demon ravaging my head. I'm having trouble crawling out of this particular pit. And there's so much to do. I feel buried and panicked by the intensity of it. One foot in front of the other, one moment lined up with the next, not looking backwards and not looking too far ahead so as not to be overwhelmed.... this is the only way I know to navigate this strange and troubled terrain. This is the only way I know to get on with it. This is the only way I know to beat the demon down.

november 19, 2008
stay the hell out of it
Website will be a year old on December 1. Something should be done to mark the occasion but I'm not entirely sure what. I think this anniversary is clueing me in to the fact that orchidbau.com is serving me very well. It's stood up and been what I wanted it to be... and didn't slide into what I didn't want it to be. Not sure how that happened. Most likely because I stepped back and let it do it's job. So much of the creative process boils down to stepping back and letting it do it's own thing. Just stay the hell out of it and it will work out fine.

november 14, 2008
any questions?
It seems that only great distances of time allow for clarity. And even then I'm not always so sure. Can I look back at something and be absolutely certain that I now understand it - even after struggling for so long to make sense? And if I do allow myself to come to a conclusion, how soon will doubt creep quietly in and undo the reconciling I've been toiling at all this time? Can I ever be 100% certain? Can I ever make peace? Can I put it down long enough to know? And how long is long enough? When do the questions cease and desist once and for all?

november 12, 2008
21 years later
New Tracy Chapman CD, "Our Bright Future." Simple arrangements. Lyrics that speak with great insight and skilled turn of phrase. The simplicity and sparseness are deceiving. She has something to say but she isn't running up to you and smashing you over the head with it. She never disappoints. I remember buying her first album on vinyl in 1987. Christ - makes me sound ancient.

november 12, 2008
85 million can't be wrong
I've become addicted to the novels of V.C. Andrews. I know that they aren't considered to be great literature by any means - but there is something to them. Something that holds you, draws you in. Makes you invested in the characters and the outcome. To be able to construct such stories and characters definitely takes talent and skill. So what then separates them from what is considered to be great literature? Their popularity maybe? There are over 85 million copies of her books in print since "Flowers In The Attic" was originally published in 1979. I think that qualifies as pretty great.

november 11, 2008
whole world church
I can imagine the strangeness, the newness and the recreation of distress and truth run dry. I can imagine a face similar to mine saying things that I might say. I can imagine my faith as a tangible something - with colour and movement and sound. It glows purple. It's solid. It's singing. I can put my finger on it. I can feel the electricity of it charging though my body, leaving me slack, solid, strong, sonic. This electric is church is temple is the kneeling places and all the sites of faith and devotion in this world. This whole world electric. This whole world church.

november 8, 2008
what the fuck?!?
Sweet Jesus - I've never seen the mall as insane as it was today. Fucking pandemonium. There was a "mall wide" 20% off sale (though I found very few stores actually participating) and everyone went berserk. Just this crazed mass of wild-eyed consumers, shouting and clutching colourful plastic bags. The economy may be in the toilet but people clearly will spend like the world is ending if you say the right thing - the magic words. All I know is that there is no way in hell that I will be doing my Christmas shopping from anywhere but home this year. Fuck a duck. Just nuts.

november 5, 2008
theological shit
When God came to the Virgin Mary and told her what was going to happen to her was she instantly thrilled? Did she get on board from the beginning? Or did she think, Oh, shit.   The Bible isn't very forthcoming with answers to these questions.... but you can be sure that nowhere in the Bible will you find the Virgin Mother (or anyone else for that matter) saying the word 'shit.'

november 5, 2008
r.i.p.
My uncle S______ died today. I just can't get my head around it.

november 4, 2008
a bitter pill to swallow
The codeine I've been taking since my surgery has been fucking with my mood. I think I'll stick only to the Ibuprofen... my mood will be okay but my stomach will be a wreck. There's always some kind of compromise that has to be made in these situations. So much for the marvels of modern medicine.

november 3, 2008
nocturnal emission of a different kind
The title of my next book came to me in a dream during my nap tonight. Nice to have one of my dreams make some kind of fucking sense.

november 3, 2008
cry uncle
I learned today that one of my uncles has premature Alzheimers disease and is not expected to live long. He is 54. Out of eight siblings he is the youngest. My father was the oldest - he's been dead 13 years now. Another brother has had Parkinsons disease for many years now. Their father died very young. The men in my family are not faring well. If I'm not careful I could fall prey to fear and despair - which would be useless and depressing and be a big step backwards in my personal evolution. I have to be - and am - absolutely steadfast and completely unwavering in my faith... cause it's the only thing that can keep the demons of fear and despair at bay.

november 3, 2008
weird / wired
Things continue to be weird. Funny - the word "wired" is an anagram for "weird." Well, okay, maybe it's not funny... just weird. Or should I say wired? Ha ha. Yes, dear reader, you can roll your eyes now.

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