diary Archive: May, 2009.



may 29, 2009
mr. muscle takes on a tree

Had this amazing dream that I cut down a damaged tree and was able to lift and carry it with ease. I laid it in a clearing and when I looked up I saw how the other trees - impossibly tall - were creating the most gorgeous canopy above me. I ran to the car to grab my camera but found just my PlayStation (okay that part was weird). It left me with a good feeling. I'm hoping it has something to do with good health.



may 28, 2009
papa wasn't a rolling stone

I think I'm finally coming to some kind of terms with the mystery of who my father was. Revealing dreams that, for once, were not negative. I think maybe I am on the road to making some kind of peace with it all. I understand now that I both loved and feared my father in equal measures.... and I understand why that was the case. I also understand that it is - at any age - hard to accept that our parents aren't these perfectly fearless and flawless individuals. My father was a person like any other - with his own fears and flaws and his own demons and mistakes. I loved my father very much and miss him very much even after the 13 years since his death. I think I'm ready to let the questions go. I have to. Won't happen instantly but I can get there. I can.



may 28, 2009
dvd review: the last house in the woods

Far from being a great horror film but it had it's moments. I liked it more than I thought I would. But then again, I'm a sucker for freaky cannibal children. What can I say? Guess I'm just a big old softy... after all, there are few things cuter than a child with sharp, jagged teeth eating someones leg. Awwww - so cute.
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 6.6/10



may 27, 2009
the abc's of medicine

I am feeling like a tennis ball going back and forth between Dr. A____ and Dr. B_____. And I've always hated tennis. I hope there won't be a Dr. C as well. I'll never be able to keep track of it all.



may 25, 2009
dvd review: rec

Didn't live up to my expectations. Had some very intense moments - but I wanted there to be more of them. It had a bit of a Blair Witch edge to it which I did appreciated very much... I guess I was wanting it to be punchier. Maybe I need to look at it again. Hmmmm....
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 6.2



may 19, 2009
gemstones and faith

Hello diary. Hello people reading my diary... whoever you may be.
Maybe you're happy. Maybe you're sad. Maybe you've just been in a fight with your parents or a friend. Maybe your day brought the riches of success or maybe it brought the hurt and shame of failure. Maybe the gemstones have fallen from your mind. If any of these things (especially the last one) are true, I think that you're in the right place.
Love, peace, faith and stars in the sky ... all that I wish for you.
Your pal, Orchidbau.



may 16, 2009
what a rush

Sometimes I become concerned that my diary is going to read as preachy or just an extensive rant. This is the last thing I want.... I mean, fuck, I don't wanna be Rush Limbaugh... unless, of course, I get the Oxycontin that goes along with being him.



may 16, 2009
tech knowledge-y

New technologies can be a wonderful thing - throughout history we see how our lives have been made better by advancements in medical technology for example. We see how advancements in telecommunications have made it possible to bridge the gap between you and others, be it family or in business terms. I see how advancements in the gaming industry have kept me entertained and my carpal tunnel throbbing... okay that's not so much a good thing, but is an example of impact at least. Where am I going with this? Good question. I just wonder how much is enough? I'm wondering if we're reaching a point where technology - in the home - is becoming redundant. How much more definition do we need from TV's... how much faster do we need the internet to be... how many more keys and options do our phones need? Will it ever become possible that the idea file of technology will become empty? I doubt it. As long as there's a nickel more to be made the tech industry will continue to thrive and convince millions that they need this new - only slightly better - gadget or upgrade. I can't keep up with it and nor do I want to... cause in order for technology to fit into our limited attention span it has to replace something in our lives. Something has to be sacrificed. And the sacrifices are huge - creativity, originality, social skills, spiritual identity. I hear people talk about technology constantly. I hear people talk about value systems only rarely. Maybe I'm coming across as thinking I'm a better person cause I'm not saturated in technology.... not so. That I'm looking down my nose at those who are tech inclined? No. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I do think that I might be better off though cause I can't think of anything that I'm willing to sacrifice for it.



may 12, 2009
time for me to shut the fuck up

I have to go for (routine) blood tests tomorrow and have to fast for eight hours before hand. Oh, how I have bitched about this when I should just shut the fuck up. And, actually my fasting period began about an hour ago. How completely and utterly disgusting it is that I should complain about it when, according to the United Nations, 25,000 people die each day of starvation. The number is staggering to say the very least. So during my brief fast, roughly 8,333 will die from a lack of food. In eight hours I will come home to my kitchen with cupboards and a fridge overflowing with food that, if not consumed, will simply be thrown in the trash, uneaten and never to be thought of again. And just to put things in even greater perspective (especially in the media-induced panic of swine flu), the World Health Organization says that hunger is the gravest single threat to the world's public health... they also say that malnutrition is the biggest contributor to child mortality, present in half of all cases. So - I'm gonna shut the fuck up about my eight hours. Fucking ridiculous.
(As an aside: I really never wanted my web diary to become preachy or anything - just a reflection of my experiences. And since this is part of my experience as a person, I decided to include it... if you don't like it there are a zillion other diaries and blogs on the net that you'll like better. Go get something to eat. Have a nice day.)



may 12, 2009
membership has its privileges... well, some

M____ bought me a kaleidoscope and a copy of "Fangoria" magazine today and he took me out for a burger at our favorite pub. He knows me and my tastes so well... and somehow, despite this, he still loves me. Now, how the hell did that happen? At the pub we saw a couple who couldn't be more than 18 years old - he, dressed as Eminem Jr. and she, about six months pregnant. He was gorging himself on onion rings and other delicious pub fare - all smiles and jokes (he spent an awful lot of the time playing with himself too - but that's another story). She sat sullen in the booth, not eating but drinking a chocolate milk. I thought their demeanors were quite appropriate - why shouldn't he eat whatever the hell he wants, he doesn't have to suffer indigestion and morning sickness. Nor will he have to get fat, lose bladder control and go through the "thrill" of childbirth. Also - he can bail anytime he wants... and in all likelihood he will. When the baby is screaming at all hours, hungry with a dirty diaper, he can just go. When the bills for the diapers, formula, food, clothes, etc become overwhelming he can just go. I mean, hell - when it was time to leave the pub he bounded out of the booth with ease and walked to the door - didn't seem to notice that she could have used some help getting out of the booth being as big as she was. And, unless she gives the baby up for adoption, she will have to face it all without him. And that kid will always feel not good enough cause his or her father said adios. And what the hell is she doing being pregnant to begin with.... when birth control methods are plentiful and access to them simple and free of charge in some cases.. Okay - so she fucked-up with the birth control... okay, fine. Abortion is perfectly legal, safe and, in this city and province, easily accessed and free of charge. I felt bad for her... but at the same time kinda angry - frustrated. Thank God M___ and I will never experience any of that... yes, being gay does have some benefits. Not a lot, but some.
(Please note: If you are pro-life please don't e-mail me to tell me what a heathen bastard on the way to hell I am for recommending abortion. We're all entitled to our beliefs and, quite frankly, I don't give a shit.)



may 10, 2009
xerox dreams

Had a dream that I was battling a photo copier that had gone out of control. It was really stressful and I woke up feeling tired & muddled.



may 10, 2009
whats your name?

It occurs to me that I write often of the demons I battle but I never name them. Not on paper (and thus not on the site). I can verbalize, discuss but to commit them in such a way - to give them permanency... I don't know. Then again - what the hell is permanent any more? Everything is transient and whether or not I (or you) accept that is inconsequential. If there is one thing I know for certain (remember I said "if") is that the world just keeps on spinning and spinning - your acceptance of this or your belief/disbelief of this will not alter it in any way. You can keep your head down and close your eyes... but when you open them you see the trees suddenly have buds, the air warmer and tactile. You can fight it - and I fight really well - but you will never win. I guess the key is the truth of that old cliche - that stuff about silver linings. Yikes! I'm not sure where this unloading of my brain has come from. Could it be because I fell off the wagon (the sugar wagon) and am just getting back on? Who knows? But I'm not naming names. Not today. Today I'm just trying to get my brain back. Yeehaw!



may 7, 2009
it's like this...

Carpal tunnel is like getting kicked in the balls for your hands.



may 7, 2009
does anyone even know who the hamburglar is any more?

The Hamburglar ate my asshole and I have nothing to show for it.



may 7, 2009
dvd review: polyester

Pretty well the last of writer/director John Waters' "early" films and the last that the late Edith Massey appeared in. If you don't know who Edith Massey is, you would benefit greatly from finding out. Edith was as unique a human being as there ever could be - and, consequently, as unique an actress as there ever could be. A good source of info is a chapter dedicated to Massey in John Waters' book, "Shock Value." There's also a very short documentary, "Love Letter To Edie" that can be found on YouTube. She was a staple of Waters' early films - whether she was portraying villain or heroine her unique charm is absolutely infectious. She was a fan-favorite - and rightly so. Sadly, Massey died from complications of diabetes at the age of 66 on October 24, 1984 and, as Waters wrote, "has been in heaven ever since." To that I'll add that she has to be heaven's most unique and adorable angel ever. (I've read on the net that Edith died of cancer, but considering that Waters was one of her closest friends I'm more inclined to believe him that it was diabetes.) I realize I've said nothing about the movie... okay, well all that really needs to be said is to quote a single line from the film... When teenage Lulu tells her mother (portrayed by the late-great Divine) that she's pregnant she vehemently attests that "I'm getting an abortion and I can't wait!" With a line like that what more do you need to know? (Edith's character, Cuddles' best line in the film... when her best friend (Divine) confesses to Cuddles that she's an alcoholic, Cuddles optimistically avers "Well then you need to get out more, honey!") What else? 1950's teen idol Tab Hunter co-stars as Divines' characters post-divorce boyfriend, Todd Tomorrow - he also sings the films theme song. Music and songs for the film were written and performed by Blondie's Chris Stein and Deborah Harry (among a few others). How cool is that?
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 9.8/10
Left: Edith Massey circa 1980.



may 6, 2009
the wisdom of orchidbau (which may be questionable)

Even if you don't know what you're doing you just have to appear as though you do. No one will ever know the difference. Women have known this since the dawn of time and the first faked orgasm.... possibly Eve's.



may 3, 2009
billy wigboom and the red bull revelation

Midnight found Billy Wigboom sitting at the edge of the pond and fountain combo to the side of the hotel. He was nursing his second Red Bull of the evening - his body clicking and buzzing inside from the effect of them and several strong black coffees through the day before his gig as guest speaker at the conference. He took the gig as he hadn't worked in the past year - just flew from city to city to hotel to hotel... running. In the moonlight now he wondered why the threat of her had really been bad enough for the endless trek. He resigned himself to having a good cry there, his feet in the water. The caffeine was making him twitchy. He didn't know what else to do. What am I going to do? he wondered, staring down at his feet in the water, a few tears tickling his cheeks. "What am I going to do," he asked aloud. A question he was always asking himself... without ever thinking that there had to be a real answer. Just a superficial time-to-fly-to-Chicago answer which was really no answer at all. He asked again "What am I going to do?" If it was the last thing he did he would create an answer... for now, though, he elected to rid himself of this caffeine buzz. He took off every stitch of clothing, folded them neatly into a pile by the side of the fountain, dropping his watch on the top, paperweight-like. Naked he stomped, splashed, cried, laughed and tasted freedom leaping through the fountain and pond that were so beautifully lit by the moonlight.



may 3, 2009
dvd review: martyrs

Now I have seen hundreds of horror films... most not-so-great, some quite exceptional. Needless to say that I have seen it all - every kind of horror flick plot, devices, genres, sub-genres, etc. I have seen what I believed to be the most disturbing things ever filmed... some purely exploitive some with merit. I've seen stuff that would drop others to their knees or at least out of the room, and I have watched them without flinching in the least. BUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING could have possibly prepared me for "Martyrs." From where we begin, to where we go believing it near done and brilliant... but you are barely touching the tip of the ice berg for what ensues. I don't want to say much except that I've never been terribly disturbed by films described as "disturbing" but "Martyrs" did bring me to my knees - disturbed, shocked and mesmerized. A lot of people will look at it and dismiss it as "exploitive." But I tell you - there is no way you can arrive at the ASTOUNDING conclusion and be dismissive. Not it you truly understand the why of what has transpired. This film - as brutal, torturous (literally), disturbing, depraved and horrifying as it is - is a work of genius. Pure and simple. Great genius. I like to keep my reviews as stripped-down and short as possible... but saying "Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu and whoever the fuck else" doesn't even remotely begin to describe it. (By the way - this is yet another amazing horror film to come out of France... all I can say is Viva la France!)
Orchidbau Movie Meter: (drumroll please) 10/10



may 3, 2009
how are you feeling?

What does is take to feel entitled to whatever it is that you're feeling? I really need to know. I mean, what exactly does it take?



may 2, 2009
final girlfriend verdict (and other reading news)

I swear this will be my last entry (thank God) about "Girlfriend In A Coma." Finished it last night and even though I've been all over the place about liking it/not liking it, the final verdict is: I loved it. It will definitely be re-read at some time in the not-too-distant future. In other reading news... I bought Chuck Palahniuk's "Snuff" today. I think Palahniuk is a bit of a nut job... but then so am I, so we should get along famously.



may 2, 2009
the big mac has spoken

So M___ and I ate at McDonald's last evening. I noticed that everyone eats at McDonald's sooner or later... and most of them look to be just barely put together. Like they were cut-and-pasted. I don't just mean their appearances - it's like their lives are a big cut-and-paste All these refugees from this defeated new world we live in, stumbling into McDonald's... their eyes wide but barely registering anything. They get to the counter and say words like "Big Mac" or "McNuggets" as though this is the only language left to know. They eat the food - remembering simpler times. Getting some relief from the stranglehold of technology and tedium.... though within moments of their arrival their cell's go off - they cradle their techno lover into the crook of the shoulders as their whitened teeth sink into a burger. It's kind of like watching one of those National Geographic films.



may 1, 2009
more girlfriend troubles

What is with this book? (Douglas Coupland's "Girlfriend In A Coma") At the start I didn't like it... further in I was loving it... now I'm back to not liking it so much. I've had relationships less confusing than this. Like it/not like it, there's no way I can deny the fact that it really is an amazing book. I'm going to finish it tonight - who knows where I'll end up with it.



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