diary Archive: May 2008.

may, 2008

may 30, 2008
at 37
Today I (among other things) watched cartoons, played video games, and read comic books. I am 37 years old.

may 29, 2008
not so zen
Took a lot of a really great urban-themed photos today. Lots of urban decay, naturally. But there are so many beautiful colours even in decay.
Want to get them on the website sooner rather than later but I need to prioritize. Not always my strongest skill.
What needs to be done will get done as it's supposed to - not according to what I feel I should dictate.
Frig - when did I become so Zen? Makes me laugh - considering I threatened to kick someone (who shall remain nameless) in the nads today because they annoyed me for two seconds. The person in question would probably tell you it was more than one threat.
But this is my diary and I will record the friggin' facts as I want them to be recorded. Now that sounds more like me.

may 28, 2008
more (or less) lucid moments
Sometimes I have my very best creative ideas in those last hazy, swirling moments before sleep pulls down the blinds and takes over my body.
Sometimes as I'm drifting off I think to myself, Shit - I hope I remember this when I'm awake.
I keep a notepad and pen, and even a hand-held tape recorder by my bed to try to get the idea down as quickly as possible. But once I'm in that swirling zone it's too late.
I wonder what I'm missing. Or am I really missing anything? Maybe if an idea is that strong it will strike me again in more lucid moments.
I was recently told by someone that "much goes on while we sleep." I think it's very true.
I have the most graphic, vivid and intense dreams (as readers of my diary on my site know very well - and if not they should go through the archives). A lot of them are enlightening and really instructive once I've let them zip about in my head for a while - sometimes it comes to me quickly, other times I remain in the dark (so to speak) for days. Sometimes the meaning never becomes totally clear.
Then again, I also firmly believe that sometimes dreams are nothing deeper than a crossed wire sending a spark in your head and to look too hard for meaning is just a waste of time.
All of those intensely distressing lobster dreams I was having for months and months and months - sometimes I think I grasp what it might have all been about... but it doesn't stick as the truth. All I know for sure is that all of those fucking lobsters stressed me out to no end. They still piss me off when I think about them and I haven't dreamed of one in ages and ages and ages. They just seemed to stop.
Shit - I better knock wood. The last thing I need is for those fucking things to come back for a return engagement.

may 23, 2008
do nothing
Spent a lot of $ tonight. Oh well.
Bought a DS Lite - finally... which means that the weekend will be spent burning my retinas and suffering the carpal tunnel wrath.   I know for sure that I will, in all likelihood, get nothing else done. Oh well.
Sometimes getting stuff done is highly overrated.

may 22, 2008
excerpt 2
We hang like cats from the side of a chair.
We're not shedding.
We're shredding.
Shredding knowledge.
Kitty cats we are.
Kitty cats we know better.

A note to my website guests.... In repsonse to all of your (very nice) e-mails asking if I'm really writing a book, what will it be called, where, when, etc. Well, yeah, I am working on a book - would I be writing in my diary about if I wasn't? (Hmmmm... actually I might - you're wise to ask). I have a title in mind but mum's the word for now. It will be posted here at orchidbau.com - free for the reading. I haven't nailed down an exact date yet, but keep visiting... as soon as everything is nailed down - or in this case, stapled down - I will reveal all. Thank you all so much for your strong interest - I really appreciate it!

may 21, 2008
and so it's over....
So this, dear diary, is my very last entry about American Idol - and thank Christ for that! Geeze - that I'm writing about in my diary is bad enough! And then that I'm posting the entries to my site is just... sad, sad, sad. I can't find anything better to chronicle?!?
It's just a powerful statement about how brilliant these shows are - so carefully crafted to pull in even the smartest or snootiest of people... and then you have to watch it every damn week.
Anyway - the finale was, of course, a dismal affair. I watched it live - something I never do. It is so exhaustingly frustrating not being able to FF through the commercials and idiotic performers and celebrities. Shit.
So it's over. The person I wanted to win didn't. Initially I was a huge Michael Johns fan - long gone now. I was a huge Jason Castro fan - lasted longer but gone. I kinda liked Brooke White - long gone. So I had to pick a David.... and then the one I picked lost.
I guess that's how the cookie crumbles.... yes, I'm eating a cookie as I write this.
So now I will have to write about something else. Like my book. Chapter one, edited, re-worked, transcribed, done! See - that is far more interesting than me lying around watching Idol, playing Tetris and wishing I hadn't started either.
Have I learned my lesson about watching these shows? Probably not.

may 20, 2008
super thick lunatic
Roller coaster day. Started with sudden, unexpected revisions to plans business-wise (not for site or book - another business concern) that were very carefully set up already. I was furious at the entities that threw this big, fat monkey wrench into things. I felt overwhelmed by what had to be done - felt like screaming. I ranted and ranted like a lunatic (who am I kidding - I am a lunatic a lot of the time) all evening to M____ who (as always) was wonderful about it all.
But then I had a nap (after "Idol" of course - how easily I admit to this) for a couple of hours and when I woke up - everything just felt better, easier, etc. And it was. Once again I am reminded how very, very essential proper and adequate rest are. Am I ever going to get this through my thick skull? Geeze.
Oh well - things are now progressing well on all fronts. I am keeping my fingers (and toes and anything else I can cross) crossed that they will continue this way.
In the meantime - rest, rest, rest. And since Jason Castro can't win "Idol" I will hope for David A. to take it. Frig - I'm glad it's over tomorrow night so I can stop mentioning it in my diary - I just can't seem to help myself. So little self-control.... and a super thick skull. Lovely.

may 19, 2008
priorities, priorities
The last line has become the first. The new last line came out of the blue. But it's finished. Do I know what it's about yet? Nope! It will reveal itself more in the editing and re-writing process. M___ had a good idea for a visual that I think I will pursue.
So much else going on this week, too. I have to figure out a good plan of getting stuff done but getting a lot of extra rest too.
No to mention the finale of American Idol - I mean what could be more important than that?!?

may 18, 2008
don't ask me
Seven chapters down. Having decided to write a book in nine days I imagined at first five chapters, then nine. I'm no longer sure. I like the number nine though - so maybe.
This whole process has been filled with surprises at every turn. Do I know what the book is about? No. I didn't know when I sat down to do it and seven chapters later I still don't. Every page I type is a a complete surprise.
Every time I finish working on it for the day or whatever, my fingertips tingle. Not in a carpal tunnel way (I know that feeling way too well). I think it might have something to do with how hard I'm banging the keys (don't know why I'm banging so hard)... either that or my fingertips are registering the surprise at the shit I'm banging out.
At least I have a title in mind. I will probably stick to it. And strangely enough I have the last sentence in mind. Fucking hilarious really considering I have no clue what I'm doing. And I'm glad that I don't. Being clueless is nice.

may 17, 2008
excerpt
I am ready for this language.
I am ready for its use.
I will make this language into glass.

may 16, 2008
it's all my fault
If this to be an account of how I spent my day there is little to report. I slept through pretty much the whole damn day. And glad I did. I slept through the construction and through the plumbers putting in the toilet. Yes, dear diary, I am writing again about the new toilet. I figure after mentioning it yesterday I feel I must now follow up... the new toilet sucks. Not literally. It's one of those low-flow deals (that end up not saving any water at all) and for some reason it comes out further into the bathroom, thus making the bathroom smaller. This, after I just went to all the trouble of putting that white shower curtain set together that made the bathroom seem larger. The interesting thing is that the new toilet has the name "Mansfield" on it - which must be the brand name... but of course my mind goes immediately to Jayne Mansfield. I wonder how she'd feel about that.
Sweet Jesus - I'm still writing about the fucking toilet.
I did manage to put two chapters together today. One continuing in an angry vein but the other almost celebratory - noisy, intense, mysterious. Demons - literal demons in the mix, but they contribute to the celebration (of sorts) in a joyous way.
Maybe the moral of the story - or at least that chapter - is that demons can be downright decent if given the chance. And really know how to have a good time.
Funny - M___'s entire family thinks I'm a demon straight from hell sent to corrupt M___ and make everybody unhappy. If they ever gave me a fucking chance they'd see that I'm pretty decent too (and that I know how to have a really good time). But they need me to be a demon - they want someone to blame for M___ being gay. Trust me - he was gay long before I got my hands on him and they know it. I guess they figure I sealed the deal. Oh well.
Why do so many people feel the need to find something or someone to blame for a person being gay. Find someone at fault - the mother, the emotionally absent father, the chewable vitamins they ate as kids.... or as M___'s family think, a bad influence like yours truly. That we're born this way just doesn't seem to compute.
Fuck it. I'm not losing any sleep over it. Obviously.

may 15, 2008
it's all Madonna's fault
So much to do - and much getting done. But as usual I feel it isn't enough.
At least J____'s rug is done. Thank God - I'm so sick of looking at orange.
And as though the construction outside isn't enough to drive me around the bend - tomorrow they're installing some kind of water thing and a new toilet in the bathroom.
Geeze.
I am expecting that my entries, dear diary, may be in gibberish soon.
What a whiney little fucker I am tonight. What's up with that? Maybe I shouldn't be listening to so much Madonna. That could do it. It's definitely doing something.
Wonder what the new toilet will be like. Christ - am I actually writing about the damn toilet?
I think it's time I went to bed. Clearly I need some rest.

may 14, 2008
who's the fuck-up...?
Sometimes you're working at something, concentrating so hard - focused so sharply. You think everything is cool. But then it doesn't work - and you think, What a fuck-up this thing is! Frustration grows and grows as you tinker and tinker, still thinking What the fuck is wrong with this thing?
Then you notice this tiny little thing peeking at you - the mistake you made. Such a tiny thing - you were focused so sharply that the obvious eluded you.
And then you realize that it isn't the fuck-up.... you are the fuck-up.
So yeah, yeah, yeah... tonight I was the supreme fuck-up. All I could do was laugh... and laugh... and laugh.
It's this kind of thing that keeps a guy from becoming arrogant.

may 13, 2008
my poor little head
One of those days when lots of thoughts are zapping around in my head. So a list of thoughts...
1. This is the second day in a row with a migraine - both were extinguished before they became brutal... thank God (and I do!).
2. M___ and I talking about the horror story unfolding in China... he reminds me of my dream about the office with a thousand Chinese men in three piece suits the other day. I find it a bit spooky now that he has pointed this out to me. Not the first time this has happened to me. In the weeks and days prior to 9/11 I had these nightmares of fireballs bursting in the sky - debris coming down, M___ and I running for cover. Still spooks me.
3. E-mail - people send me the most amazing e-mails in response to my site and online version of this diary. Nude photos, nice compliments, strange comments - runs the gamut. The ones from the people who apparently saw a link to my site on an hiv/aids message board - someone visited the site and mentioned it on the board... they tell me extraordinary things about themselves. Often I don't know how to respond - a man who told me he was dying of aids and shared some insights... my honest reaction was anger. Rage at this disease... ultimately I decided this was the best way to respond. I expressed my anger and that I would pray for him.
On the same day someone e-mails to say "I hate you and I hate your website!" This gave me the greatest laugh I've had in a while. Still cracks me up.
Oh - and of course, the inevitable "Gays are an abomination, unnatural - I hope you enjoy burning in hell." Did he honestly think he was the first person to suggest this idea to me? All I could think was "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you."
And then, tonight in my inbox - a voice (one I already know) reminding me to be more and more myself. This is what I strive for anyway - but the e-mail was much needed. There was a lot in this e-mail and I need to read it again.
4. WIth Jason Castro gone American Idol is more of a snooze-fest than ever.
5. I've joked to M____ about recording an acappella new-wave country CD. I laugh about it, but.... who knows? I know that I want to express something in some way. Commit to it - and give it away. Not going to make it an enterprise to earn something - I know from past experience that revenues from such endeavors are just not worth the added headaches. So I guess whatever it is will end up on the site. Why not?
6. My love for M___ is boundless. Beyond boundless. I laugh so hard at us... the things we say, the things we do - just great, great joy. I'm so lucky. And thankful. Beyond thankful.

may 12, 2008
distant quakes and winds
This is not the time to philosophize.

may 11, 2008
futuristic game show wars
Necklaces. Disco machines. Laughter in tight places. Galaxy absorption. Evil magnets. Sharp teeth. Futuristic game show wars. Castles, coins cotton candy. Mainstream dreams. Each, every, all.

Webmonster's note:
Orchidbau has decided to remove the "guest comments" page of the site for the time being. He still greatly welcomes your e-mail though and will try to answer as much as possible in as timely a fashion as possible. So - drop him a line! New content to replace the "guest comments" page is in the works.

may 9, 2008
Zzzzzz...
It is astounding just how much sleep I am getting now that I am finally giving myself permission to rest as much as humanly possible. I am sometimes sleeping for 8 solid hours - amazing considering I used to average 5 hours a day.
And - no surprise - I feel different. A bit more vigorous or something.
Why it has taken me all this time - I'm 37 for Christ's sake - to allow myself sleep is just beyond me.
Who knows - at this rate I might be able to undo some of the damage that sleep depravation has done to me over the years.
Even if it doesn't.... all this sleep is a VERY good thing
Funny though - how I have to give myself permission to do something that's good for me... but never once in my life have I checked in with myself about all the crazy-ass, bad for me shit that I've done over the years

Webmonster's note:

The photography section has been updated to include a series of circle themed photographs recently taken by Orchidbau. Get in the loop and go have a look!

may 7, 2008
stupid as...
In my dream tonight during nap time, the rectory behind the church I went to as a child is burning down. I call the fire department. After a quick series of events that I am unclear on, I find myself in this huge office with at least a thousand desks - sitting at each desk is a Chinese man in a three piece suit. I look around and see that the only desk without a well-dressed Chinese man is occupied by Dr. A---'s secretary. I go to her and ask what the hell is this place. She tells me that it is the Chinese Embassy - as though I was stupid as shit for not knowing this. There was other weirdness as well, but I seem to be unable to connect the dots.
Lobsters, blood, fire - red things. Maybe there is something to M____'s theory about the colour red in my dreams.

may 3, 2008
berserk
I love the word 'berserk'.... definitely near the top of the list of my favorite words. I love what it implies and the images it conjures in my head.

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