diary Archive: February, 2009.



february 27, 2009
she's made up her mind, she's hating her baby

In my dream I am with my friend R_______ who I haven't seen in some time. In the dream we are walking, trying to find some place to eat. She seems agitated and distracted. I ask her how she is. She tells me that she had a baby yesterday, a boy she says that she and her husband decided to call Brian. R______ says she hates the baby and refuses to even touch him. I am uncertain what to say to that. She says that her husband will have to deal with Brian. She doesn't seem very happy about her husband either. The dream rambles on as we go to one restaurant after another - but as soon as we sit down at a table she decides that she hates the place and wants to go elsewhere. Where it went from there I'm not sure. I think we may have settled on a restaurant because I vaguely recall ordering a burger.



february 27, 2009
billy wigboom/dallas night

Billy Wigboom had flown as far from Nevada as he could on a moments notice instead of taking the opportunity to just put this whole thing to rest once and for all. He wrote "Dallas" on a post-it note and stuck it on his chest for the morning. But before he laid down to catch some sleep he amended to note.... it now read: "You're in Dallas, stupid." And below that in smaller print he jotted: "You've fucked up again." He knew the note would piss him off in the morning... but that was the whole point. Fuck Dallas - tomorrow he would buy a ticket to.... where? He'd have to sleep on it.



february 26, 2009
did someone say logic?

I would NEVER in a million years place the kind of expectations on another person as I do to myself.... because that would be insane. Why I am I so intent on pressuring myself, demanding myself and expecting results beyond anyones capabilities?
And it covers all aspects of my life - everything I do, everything I say. Even leisure activities that are supposed to be relaxing and fun.... I anger myself by not scoring high enough on a video game... I berate myself for not yet finishing a book that's been sitting unopened for a while... I demand an unreasonable number of perfect stitches on a canvas to the point that my eyes are burning and I'm inadvertently stitching my goddamn finger to the thing.
I am a dark figure looming over myself... picking at everything... criticizing and bullying... demanding.... forcing. Christ almighty. I am unrelenting.
I've never been as conscious of this as I am now. Seeing it for what it is - crazy. I'm working at easing up.... but it's a hard habit to break. It's a really hard habit to break. A really, really hard habit to break. You get the point.
Trying to put some of my craziness to the test of logic - sweet, beautiful logic - if there is a logic or structure of a thing you can gain understanding. But craziness is hard to harness and hard to organize. But when I think about it that way it does seem somewhat possible to take the pieces and stitch them together like all those squares that I endlessly stitch. I desire the grid that forms... if I can just apply it to my mind. Maybe that's the trick... and maybe - just maybe - I can manage it. What the hell.... it's worth a shot.



february 25, 2009
i'll say a little prayer for you

Another Saddam Hussein dream - same as always... his blue suit, kind eyes and a table. But, for once, I remember what he was saying to me... asking me actually. He asked me to pray for his children. We all know about his two sons whose dead bodies were broadcast about a million times on CNN - which was such a fucking disgrace. I wasn't sure about other children. M___ said he saw a daughter being interviewed on TV. I'll have to look into it... I'd like to know who I'm praying for... after all, I can hardly turn the man down.



february 24, 2009
twit for tat

So - Twitter. It is a good outlet when a diary entry isn't convenient and there are some really interesting people to know there..... BUT the politics of Twitter irritate me greatly most of the time.
There's this mentality of declaring who a person is unfollowing - as though this announcement makes them feel powerful. And then there's if you don't follow me I won't follow you. It's all SO high school that it makes me want to barf.
So many people using it to make as though they were celebrities - as though simply by virtue of the fact that they use this media and have people following their updates that they're elevated above the sea of others. It's just so silly.
All this so-called "social media" out there like Facebook and Twitter are rendered "anti-social media" by the politics that develop by their users.
And just today I got an e-mail from someone saying that I say "fuck" too much on my website and on Twitter. And to that criticism I say: big fucking deal.



february 12, 2009
february manifesto

I am writing this manifesto in the event that I wish to make manifest stuff that would otherwise be reduced to just guessing games... I don't like guessing games.
I guess it's okay for you to know that I wasn't always this way and yet all I've ever been is this way.
And sometimes I dream of Saddam Hussein and in my dreams waves of kindness roll from him in his blue suit.
And I guess it's okay for you to know that I was virgo1boy and sometimes I still am.
And that I know a guy named Wigboom who thinks that my name is strange.
And I don't care about the things that I am lacking when the things that I have are so huge in their wonderfulness.
I'm not making sand castles near the waves.
I'm not telling anyone anything.
And this is a diary, not a blog.
And I admit that I am sad to see this winter pass away.
And I guess that, for now, that's all I have to say.
I am Orchidbau and it is February 12, 2009 and even though I find this manifesto a bit self-indulgent I will share it with you anyway.... and maybe I even love you too.



february 8, 2009
full of sugar

It was weird recently coming to the realization that I am a serious sugar junkie and have been for a very long time.... then learning from Dr. A___ (who previously didn't know about my habit) what all that sugar was doing to my head. Messing with my head. I'm still eating sugar... but in moderation. Cause it's all about moderation.... or so they always say. Personally, I've never cared for moderation... but I do care about being kinder to my mental health when at all possible. And I'll be damned - he was right about what it does to your head. For one thing my memory is becoming less cloudy... which makes me very happy. Forgetting stuff annoys me to no end. I guess the moral of this story (though, like moderation, I have never cared for morals) is that even with less sugar life can be sweet. Did I really just say that? If I heard someone else say that I'd say that they were full of shit.



february 3, 2009
what would you do?

What would you do if you knew there would never be any repercussions to your actions? What is it you would do with the freedom of no consequences? Would you steal? Hurt someone? Have an affair? Kill someone?
I would love to know exactly what it would be with everyone. What's the worst thing you would do? I think there is no question that could be more revealing about a person and what is inside them.... in a hidden room in their minds, ready to be freed if possible.
I've given some serious thought to it and I have an idea or two of what I'd be capable of if given the opportunity of zero consequences. It seems pretty true to who I am... yet I am still a little startled by it.



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