diary Archive: December 2007

december 27, 2007
fucked
You're still enjoying that peace & goodwill buzz that Christmas brings and then you see today's breaking news and are reminded just how fucked up everything really is.
Without violence do we even exist? Maybe that's what keeps this whole fucking mess spinning. Maybe Peace on Earth - real peace not Xmas peace - would be the end of us all. Is it violence that keeps us alive? Or just makes us feel alive? At any rate, it's pretty fucking sick

december 25, 2007
christmas day
peace and quiet at last

december 23, 2007
instructions in instant fun # 3
"Accidentally" knock the Christmas tree over... perhaps even on someone. Everyone will panic and scream. Instant fun.

december 22, 2007
a parrot, a black man and a toilet
Bought a really bad-ass pair of headphones tonight. While explaining the store's excellent return policy and warranty, the sales guy tells me I can get new ones even if my cat chews through the cord. Then he says something about his cat plucking the buttons out of his very expensive remote control.... which I found odd cause how exactly does a cat do that? It made better sense later when M____ explained that he had said "parrot" and not "cat." Ohhhh! That explains it... I can easily imagine a parrot chewing at his remote. I'd kill the damn bird if he pecked my remote buttons... I have very strong feelings about my remote. Any remote. I'm a typical male when it comes to needing to be the one in charge of the remote. (The again, what don't I want to be in control of?) If I were subjected to someone else flipping channels or performing any other remote function, I'd go absolutely bonkers.
Speaking of people who are crazy....
J_____ tells me she had dreamed that she was a black man (when, in fact, she is a white woman). Anyway - in the dream she/he needs to go to the bathroom, but before she/he can get to it, her/his wife runs in and sits right down on the toilet preventing her/him from using it. For J_____ this was a very distressing dream. (I wonder if her/his wife was pretty? I must ask.)

december 21, 2007
bountiful penis
Bought and watched "The Simpsons Movie" DVD. Pretty funny over-all - not roll on the floor funny, though I did laugh quite hard at a few specific moments and had to pause the DVD. Which, I suppose, can't be said of so many movies that are supposed to be comedic. Dragged a bit long which often is a stumbling point for so many movies. John Waters once said that he believed no movie should be longer that 90 minutes. I pretty much agree. By the same token, some movies could stand cuts even under 90 minutes. "The Simpsons Movie" ran 87 minutes... but it could have lost ten minutes easily by cutting one silly sub-plot that just didn't feel that funny. But those criticisms are really minor and I will watch it again I'm sure... if you only to hear Ralph Wiggum say "I like men now," when Bart skateboards by in the nude. Or to hear Rod and Todd Flanders say "bountiful penis."

december 20, 2007
billy wigboom's big adventure goes bust
A weekend in exile proves useless. Just great, Billy Wigboom thinks, fumbling with a bag of cough drops, Just great... nothing here but empty suitcases and a transistor radio. What good are either of these when you're all sexed-up with nothing more than a plane ticket, a postage stamp and lemon cough drops for consolation. There's no interaction here. No exchange. No voice expressing ideas. No touch. Just the bitter taste of citrus with a one-way ticket to Jerusalem shielding his eyes from the overhead light... and an erection with a seventy-nine cent postage stamp on it. Just great, Billy Wigboom thinks again, Just great.

december 19, 2007
taxi
Caught in crazy-ass traffic with an even crazier cabdriver who insisted in taking about all these fights he's been in... guys who he'd beaten up after some offense like spilling his coffee or something. Mentions that he's been in the war (I don't know which war but he was pretty old so I guess you could take your pick) and killed people so he knows how to take care of business.
It's like - great... I'm stuck in a confined space within a wicked snarl of traffic, with a total fucking lunatic. And what can you really say to a guy like that? Nothing. He's getting his jollies telling you this shit and couldn't care less what you might think.
It would have been useless to say, "Shut the fuck up - I don't wanna hear about you killing people and war and shit."
What is it about me that I attract this element of people - that they just wanna corner me and blow their wad about some shit I don't wanna hear about.
And, again, the absolute worst part is that, other than just dropping fucking dead in front of them, they're just gonna go along with their diatribe without for a second considering the opinion of the person they're assholing off to. And that person is usually yours truly.
Geeze. Just to tell someone so casually about how he's killed people. It really is hard to get your head around. I takes a lot to shock me or take me off guard... but that did. It didn't scare me but it felt.... bizarre.
I'm laughing about it now - but it was just weird and disturbing. It's like - Merry Fucking Christmas!

december 18, 2007
how to be invisible
There's this Kate Bush song called "How To Be Invisible," that I really, really like. It's clever, well-paced, great beat, etc... but what I like best is the concept... being invisible. I find the thought so appealing - and I think it can be done. I mean, not like the 'Invisible Man,' but indistinct somehow. Passing through a sea of humans with all that they encompass - to pass through it unseen. Well, not exactly unseen but unnoticed, unrecognized, unprocessed by eyes and brains.
I have found that you can achieve it to some degree... or at least the sense of it. I have figured out two of the keys: quiet and speed. To move quietly, purposefully - not racing cause if you go too fast you're bound to attract attention. To be able to weave to be nimble... I have some trouble with the nimble part but with practice... Wearing dark colours, too, I think helps. And avoid using your cell phone while moving, too. Cell is a dead giveaway and makes you less nimble.
Most importantly, or so I'm figuring out, is to not make physical contact with anything - definitely not brush up against someone... or brush up against something that makes a sound. I guess it's all a matter of practice.
I plan to continue practicing. Practice makes perfect, or so they say.
Practice makes you invisible.
Kate Bush sings, "I found a book on how to be invisible." Maybe I should be browsing more carefully in the bookstore.

december 17, 2007
the remorse of gennifer wax
After all the surgeries, therapy, endless conversations with psychics, hours of anonymous sex with very old men, thousands of tranquilizers ingested, 47 parking tickets, two dog bites, and one long night of s&m games with her step-sister, Gennifer Wax decided that she was sorry after all. But since it was too late to apologize to anyone for anything she decided to move to Japan. In Japan she hoped that she could avoid any further contact with any of the Ice Capades' skaters, who got her into this mess in the first place.

decmber 16, 2007
instructions in instant fun #2
Pick up the phone - dial a random number. When the person answers, say "I love you." Reactions will vary but prove humorous. Instant fun.

decmber 15, 2007
ready
I bought 120 'wet-naps' (the ones that come individually wrapped in foil and look like a condoms) today - five boxes of 24.
I am ready for anything.

decmber 14, 2007
hostel 2
Watched "Hostel 2." Eli Roth (the writer/director) is one sick fuck. I loved it. Even better than the first "Hostel" which is so rare - for a sequel to be better than the first... especially with horror movies.

decmber 13, 2007
instructions in instant fun # 1
Sit by yourself in a restaurant - bring a remote control from home. Point the remote at the nearest wall or window and push buttons.... pretend you're home watching TV. People will, of course, think you're crazy. Instant fun.

decmber 12, 2007
slush
Today was just wrong.
I decided that it was a good day to run errands, etc - I get outside and the slush is half-frozen, no one has the sense to throw salt in front of their businesses or homes... so it was like, slip slidin' away. Fine.
I do a tiny bit of Christmas shopping - I run into a couple of people I know and ask if they're ready for the big day... and they all said "Yes," their shopping was done, blah blah blah - bastards! I'm practically having anxiety attacks cause I feel like I've done so little. Fine.
I talk to M____ several times, he - for various reasons - is having a day of nothing but frustrations and nagging issues. So I'm thinking at this point that something planetary (or some such shit) is out of whack.
Then I notice this guy - in the mall - takes off his sweater and has a tank-top underneath... he then proceeds to take off his tank top too. In the mall. He's naked from the waist up. In the mall - and not a tacky Wal-Mart mall but a somewhat upscale one. He then puts on another shirt - thank God - and leaves.
You mean he couldn't have slipped into the men's room to change?
He was fairly young and had a good body - maybe that's why he thought it was no big deal.
People are fucking amazing.
Had he weighed about 500 pounds I would probably have thought what he did was just great - why is it only the "good bodies" that are contstantly flashed in our faces? Bring on the obese and let them disrobe.
Fuck everyone else.

decmber 10, 2007
god
An e-mail came into the website - someone asking if I believed in God. In my notes for the answer I wrote, simply and truthfully, "Yes." I then ammended my answer to "Yes. Don't you?"
There wasn't much else to his e-mail so it was hard to say where he was coming from. I thought briefly that maybe he was some kind of Christian who was hoping that I'd say 'no' so that he could then take the opportunity to 'save' my sorry ass. Or I think he was possibly someone questioning the existence of God... in my experience it's the ones who question it that eventually come to the place where, they too, would answer "Yes. Don't You?" if they were confronted with this question. It's the ones who already have their heels dug in on the issue who will reolutely state no - if something doesn't exist why would you question it?
Then again, who am I to assume anything about anyone's beliefs or motivations for asking any question? I really don't want to be one of those really presumptuous people who I absolutely despise.
Then again I've also received one asking if I know many lesbians. Sigh. I think maybe it's a trick question.

decmber 9, 2007
awful funny
Yesterday night M____ and I saw this woman pushing a very small child in a stroller - really moving as though she was in a major hurry. Anyway, when she goes to cross the street at the crosswalk she hit a bit of a bump - she backs up about two steps and just rams the stroller over it and just kept on trucking. We thought for sure that kid was going to fly out of that stroller when she hit that bump. Which would have, of course, been awful... but funny, too.

decmber 8, 2007
porn - the glue that binds
I am endlessly fascinated by pornography.
It is boundless. It isn't naked people. Naked people are the very least of it - it's what the people are doing that comprises the true core of porn.
It is truly the great leveller - while a certain niche of people might be interested in a certain type of book or genre of movie... and within that you can be fairly sure that the people are similar - similar ages, backgrounds, income bracket, etc.
But with pornography a cross-section of people that you couldn't possible try to figure out will gather round a particular fetish, a particular "type," a particular activity together. A bus driver and a lawyer will lust with the same desire for, oh let's say, she-males spanking adult babies while playing nintendo at the same time. A famous lifestyle TV guru and a cleaning lady will both feel short of breath when viewing men with two penises talking on cell phones while wearing blue eye-shadow and mis-matched socks.
I know I make it sound far-fetched - but, trust me, it isn't.
M___ and I tried to invent a fetish that wasn't already out there... and guess what? We couldn't. But we did realize, that if we did, all it would take would be to put up some kind of web-page and it would find an audience.
What a powerful tool!
I mean everyone's looking at it on their computers... okay maybe not everyone... but damn near.
No one is above it - despite what they might say. I mean, I doubt that the check-out girl at the grocery store is going to say "you know, I really get my rocks off looking at chicks with dicks," as she bags your tomatoes.... I wish there was such a cashier! I'd go to that store every day hoping that she might again admit to some proclivity. I'd ask to see her manager and tell him what a smashing job this woman was doing.
Maybe the next time you pull up to the gas station (the full-service island of course) the attendant just might say "Check your oil? By the way, guys with tiny penises rock my world!"
And aren't those moments just the best thing about life?
Ah pornography! The glue binding the human race together.... whether they admit it or not.
Of course, I never actually look at it myself.

decmber 7, 2007
what the...?
Working on a new photos series - hours of set-ups, a zillion shots taken... and, as is the nature of the beast, only a handful are of any use (even bitching on paper bores me - "blah blah blah" -but I persist).
So the set-up bullshit - frustrating, yes. But I'm a "results-oriented" person - I will do whatever to get the end result I desire.
While putting together one particular set-up, I popped in a dvd to keep me company - a movie called "Urbania" that I've been meaning to watch for months now. I don't know if the distraction of the set-ups screwed the movie up or what. All I do know, is at the end of the movie I had no fucking clue what happpened. I just did not understand the ending. I consider myself a fairly sharp guy - but this arty, low-budget flick went way over my head. And what's worse the set up I worked on through the whole movie turned out to be absolutely useleless.
And now I have to watch the damn movie again - cuase I'm so pissed that all I could think when it was over was "Huh? Duh?"
Then again maybe the movie was just stupidiy personified - maybe it wasn't me that was so clueless. I'll go with that theory.

decmber 6, 2007
sorry, was that gay?
A dvd was very recently released of a comedy that appeared in theatres not too long ago.
The movie (I will not name it here cause I am not going to give it one fucking bit of publicity on my own goddamn website) is a homophobic piece of the worst type of shitty garbage. Whoever decided that making fun of gay marriage and assigning characters the quality of just HATING, just LOATHING the idea that someone might think that they are gay.
I know this idea is pervasive in a lot of entertainment - so many sitcoms (some that are otherwise not that bad) will have male characters exhibit some form of unusual behavior and they COMPLETELY freak out cause it might make them seem gay.
It makes my fucking blood boil.
As though being gay is the WORST possible fucking thing that a person could be.
As though homosexuality is the absolutely LOWEST fucking realm of human existence.
I refuse to tolerate this shit. Whenever I'm in a store and I see that fucking dvd (they always have multiple copies cause it stars a couple of very popular comedy film assholes) I take it and hide it somewhere else. I mean I would love to open the things up and take a lighter or a knife to the discs - but I really don't want to be arrested. So I do what I can.
I'm also sick to fucking death of things being termed "gay." You hear people say it in casual conversation all the time. And the person saying it probably isn't even thinking what they're really saying and mean no harm... but I'm getting to the point where I need to tell these people to go fuck themselves.
And then say, "oh sorry was that gay?"
Now, I've never seen "Queer As Folk" and, quite frankly, I have NO desire to. And you won't see me in any damn pride march (I've got other shit to do). But....
If you agree with what I'm saying - and you've figured out what dvd I'm referring to, then please - hide it too. And if you don't give a flying fuck about being arrested... well...
PS... When I read over this entry in my (real) diary I did have to laugh at myself cause I'm always describing myself as mellow and easy-going... and generally, I really am. But sometimes - I get REALLY pissed off and when I do it's for very good reason - and what I've written here is most definitely sncere.

decmber 5, 2007
the doctor is in
Dr. A___ finally has his new office.
They've assigned him a nice one - nice size, nice view. (and the view is everything, or so they say.)
At the moment it's just white walls, his large wood desk, credenza, computers and a couple of chairs.
He's anxious to have it painted, get some furniture, hang some artwork, get all his files and shit in there.
He's distressed by the in between-ness.
I understand this perfectly.
I understand it exactly.

decmber 4, 2007
discovery! / disclosure?
I realize as I write in my diary that I am editing in my mind the version that ends up here - on the site. When the hand-written entry gets transcribed, names are blanked out to protect the innocent (and the guilty), strong identifying references are re-worded and anything that I just think is none of anyone's business doesn't make the digital cut.
I try not to let my (real hand-written) diary become self-conscious - cause that would just defeat the purpose. Which sometimes makes me think I shouldn't have it on the... well on this website.
But anyway...When something particularly.... well, delicious occurs you want to share it - and I have... with the appropriate person.
But when something that good is discovered, well you can't help but want to shout it out....
All I will say is that I have discovered something that many want to, but will not necessarily ever discover it themselves.
That's all I'll say.
I'm always amazed and then not-so-surprised when I see that a lot - maybe most - of "blogs" are just unbelievably detailed.
But, then, this isn't really a blog. It's a diary. And there is a difference.
At least I think there is.

decmber 3, 2007
shit
Movie studios and production companies bitch that they're losing money cause "no one is going to the movies" - and they blame it on home theatre technology or internet downloads or whatever boogie man they can rustle up to place the blame anywhere other than the place it should be.... on themselves.
People will go to the movies if they movies on offer are worth looking at. But every week a new river of re-hashed bullshit runs through the multiplexes. All those remakes... at the rate they're going they'll be remaking movies that bombed only a few weeks before.
So I saw the movie "Jackass 2" my first exposure to the Jackass experience. And it was pretty well what you are expecting it to be; stupid, ridiculous, gross - but still (at times) laughing in spite of yourself. Nothing I would make the effort to see in a theatre, but those movies were big hits. They knew they had an audience (I would imagine made mostly of teenage boys... and people with a boner for Johnny Knoxville - I don't see it, but hey...) and they knew they were thrusting something upon the public that hadn't been thrust before.
And while I won't be going to the next Jackass movie, I applaud those that will. At least they are wanting to see something new. And while they will happily look and laugh at actual shit - they are wise enough to stay away from shit masquerading as original cinema.
As Melanie Griffiths' character proclaims in 'Cecil B. Demented' - "Death to those who are cinematically incorrect!"

decmber 1, 2007
a pick-pocket & a snow squall
Strange weather. M___ and I went out late afternoon - bitter, freezing cold. Sidewalks and roads icy. We walk with caution and watch cars struggle to climb hills.
Very successful shopping. Pretty well doubled my bizarre album (cover) collection and added to both my Santa collection and ugly greeting card collection. Will have Webmaster post to website over weekend.
Bought one Santa at one of those kiosk/carts set up in a mall. This one selling interesting costume jewellery and, oddly enough, strange little Santa toys/decorations. So the girl who clearly owned the stuff circled us around the cart. Watching us like hawks. Why is it these days that wherever you go you are automatically judged a criminal or thief until proven otherwise? All this bullshit paranoia in the world... big brother is watching - watch out - be careful - Purell your hands fervently - change your lightbulbs or the whole fucking world will come crashing down - the boogie man's gonna getcha - and for the love of Christ almighty don't you ever, EVER drink water from a tap... if it ain't in a plastic bottle, clamp your hand over your mouth and don't drink a single drop of that tap shit or you will surely keel over. So, anyway, I picked up a Santa to buy and she immediately rushes to my side saying "One dollar! No tax! No tax!"
I mean she was really nice, polite and engaging, but it was clear - we were dangerous criminals... until we bought something and went away.
And it's the same all over. Any store. Any place where currency (paper or plastic) is exchanged, it is a process of defending yourself from your prosecutors.
We were caught in this snow squall on the cab ride home. The driver seemed unconcerned so I wasn't either. It was really pretty.
Funny - I had a dream during my nap that I was with my friend R______ (who I haven't talked to in a number of years now) and I think we were shopping and we saw a man buying something for $1500.00 - he kind of grumbled and pulled out his credit card. At this point R______ reaches over and pinches the guys wallet from his back pocket. I was stunned (this is something she would never in a million years do) and she said, "Come on let's go." And we started to walk away. I told her "We can't do this - you have to give it back!" I'm totally freaking out now. And she's being very casual about it - kind of like ...oh what's the big deal? It's clear she ain't givin' it up. Trying to reconcile what she'd done, I told her "Okay, but we have to give half of it away." Even in a dream - even though I hadn't taken the goddamn thing - I was concerned about my karma going to shit.
I'm terrified of stealing in a dream - how could I possibly do it in my waking life? Too scared the karma police will taser my ass - cause I'll bet you anything that the karma police are as taser-happy as the rest of the police. Only problem is you can't sue the karma police if their tasers buzz you to death.
More snow in the forecast this week. Good stuff.

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