diary Archive: August 2008.

august, 2008

august 31, 2008
soaked
Crazy ass thunder, lightning, wind and rain this evening. Went out on the balcony and shot some video of it and got completely soaked. Will post photos to the site.

august 30, 2008
today
Beauty queens, disco rejects, flying saucers.

august 29, 2008
billy wigboom prepares
Billy Wigboom stands in front of his mirror, addressing only himself - naked and strange. He says: "This is the age of uncertainty - of dwindling hope and frantic fears. We have to be soldiers combating complacency. We must be prepared to fight." He nods at his reflection. Laughs at nothing. Feels a quick pulse of fear - but a stronger pulse of determination chases it away. He blinks. Everything looks sharper and sounds louder since he stopped taking his meds. From where he stands he can see the battle ground. Looks deeply into his own eyes. Says his own name out loud just to be sure that he's actually there.

august 28, 2008
oldies countdown
A few things....
1. I know that there are lots of people who don't get some (or a lot) of the things I'm saying or writing. And that's ok. Others will.
2. The faster I stitch the calmer and more relaxed I feel. More alert. Greater focus. Organizes my mind.
3. A sure sign of age: the music you love and grew up with is suddenly being called "retro". Worse still when it's categorized as "oldies." It's like - shit... when the hell did that happen? How soon before someone calls me an oldie? Oh well - at least I find it funny.

august 27, 2008
dr. orchidbau is in
Dr. A___ today. Was happy that he agreed that we shouldn't make any big changes right now - just to let things settle down as it has been a rough, rough summer.
We were talking at one point about regret - as regret has been on my brain - and he told me about a recurring dream that he has. I analyzed the dream and he thought about it and said I was probably right. This made us both laugh at this role reversal of sorts. He gestured to his sofa and remarked that perhaps he should be laying on it while I have a go at his psyche for a while.
I would enjoy that actually.

august 26, 2008
a really big hard-on
Writing "Serpent Serpent" was a really good experience. It was a raw experience. Writing it in nine days. Edited like a crazy motherfucker for a longer period of time. Very little left - but what was left was exactly what I wanted it to be.
The strangest thing about it all to me was the element of snakes (hence "Serpent Serpent"). I'd never written about snakes or used snake imagery at any other time in my life. And I've never had strong feelings about snakes either way - neither love nor hate.
I once had the opportunity to hold a snake (a boa). I wasn't particularly nervous about it... well maybe a bit.   I remember that it felt like a hard-on. A really big hard-on.
Today I was cursing all the cords and wires in here - electrical plugs, cables for Playstation, DVD player, telepone line, etc etc. It's something I do a lot. My cables, cords and wires are just as disorganized as everything else in my domain. There I am trying to figure out what was what and what was going where. Becoming more and more annoyed I said to myself, "It's like fucking snakes."
So I wonder - is this where the snake thing came from? Probably not but it's a theory anyway. Me and my fucking theories.

august 25, 2008
when
When telling is torn away.
When existing means resisting.
When every book is blank.
When horses say their names.
When the envelope has been pushed and still you're bored.
When the cycles of reason have all quit.
When hanging on to indifference fails you.
When every bride admits that she doesn't.
When the train reels backwards on the track.
When the sky reveals a curious colour.
When every lie you tell is truth.
When rusted hooks turn into gold.
When Jesus touches the laptop wires.
When all the paintings have come to life.
When mauve turns into green.
And when you realize that technology is a lie...
I will still be here...
Stitching through these startling days and starry nights...
Bringing order to colour...
Beating down the demon...
And bringing this technicolor tapestry to life.

august 22, 2008
jean & joan
When I was a kid there were two little girls - twins - my age who, for some reason, each had a little thing for me. Anyway what I remember most about Jean and Joan was how dirty they were. These girls were filthy. And I mean filthy Their faces were always dirt smudged, their hands looked like they never saw a bar of soap and their clothes were always stained. They were really, really nice - energetic, lots of fun, loved to laugh. But, geeze, they were just so friggin' dirty! I mean - I really don't know how else to describe it... they were just that dirty. I don't know if they ever bathed. Well - they must have. I imagine that they were like Pigpen from "The Peanuts" No matter what he did he would always move about in his cloud of filth.
It really struck me because my mother was always so concerned about my and my sisters appearances - we would never have been allowed out of the house with dirty anything. I guess I thought all mothers were like that.
Oh - I almost forgot - they had an older sister named Diana. She had this strange puff of black hair, she wore clothes that were way too tight for a girl who was hardly tiny - she wasn't fat, but she was one of those really well developed teen girls - she had huge tits and a big ass. Diana looked clean though. Mind you there was always a faint smell of B.O. coming off her. And she had this thing about farting at people and then laughing hysterically about it. She always turned her fat ass in your direction first and then let loose. She found this the most hilarious thing in the world and was completely unconcerned that the person who was being farted at was disgusted.
I remember being in their house once or twice - which wasn't dirty. Not super clean and a bit dishevelled, but you'd never think such a house would produce girls who were so bizarrely dirty.
Don't know what made them pop into my mind today.   Funny.

august 22, 2008
goddamn grief & fucking regret
I've found myself thinking about Peter lately. Turning the fact that he is dead over and over in my head. And I can't get my head around it. That I can't call him or e-mail him or see him anywhere just boggles my mind.And I really miss him
It's been a few years now since he died. But my brain is really examining his death from so many angles now... am I having some kind of delayed reaction?   His death - sudden and shocking. When that happens your head just reels and implodes. Just absolute incomprehension. Like when Dad died. I dealt with that one badly and have been riding it out ever since. God.
It's funny my head has also been examining my relationship with my father lately. Trying to shed light on things that should have been examined ages ago - before his death even. Which was almost 13 years ago.
Peter and I spent so much time laughing. He was one of the very funniest people I've ever met in my life. We would joke that some day we would be sitting on the front porch of the nursing home together - out of our minds with senility and not a tooth in our heads - still laughing at the same shit we always did.
Peter's death completely deleted even the remote possibility that we could do that if we chose. His death makes any possibility or plan null and void.
I guess it's not so much Peter's death as it is his absence.
Though I do think about his death often - was it painful? Was he at least happy at the time he went?
Fuck. Why is all this coming up now?   Is it as simple as a delayed reaction? He was the first friend I had who died so it's big just because of that - let alone all the other things I've been thinking about him.
Is it because I'll be 38 in less than a month? Realizing so much has happened in 38 years and how I have made myself absent from so many experiences in my life - either through strong denial, drugs, casual sex, actual physical absence, etc. So, of course, there is regret. Big, fat, ugly regret. Would've, could've should've. All that bullshit.   Are the two connected - thinking about my father and Peter?
Maybe it is because I am nearly 38 and my life is such that I don't have to be self-destructive any more. That I can finally be relaxed. I think it might be something like that.
Then again - who knows? Maybe it's as simple as I miss Peter. No more no less. Maybe. I know I'm feeling angry at him for fucking dying. It's irrational, but that's grief in a nut shell. Grief and fucking regret. Goddamn it.

august 21, 2008
out the bunny
I wonder if the Easter Bunny is gay? I mean, how much do we really know about him?

august 19, 2008
right
I'm liking twitter - it suits the way I think... random bursts that I need to record in some way or they are gone forever. On the other hand - it keeps me online longer than I like to be... even if it is just via my cell phone. I like the possibilities though. I'm going to keep at it for now at least.
Another dental appt. tomorrow. Great.
I feel like my brain needs a jump-start. I've been kind of in a daze lately. Feeling like I've been drugged. Which, I suppose, I have been.
Listening to Aimee Mann a lot lately. Perhaps I need to put her aside and listen to something with greater intensity/energy. Maybe my brain will perk up that way. Then again maybe not.
My new favorite words: Shazam! and Zap! (Who gives a shit, right? Right.)

august 18, 2008
grafitti & poppy

Click images to enlarge.
I love these photos - completey different but equally beautiful. The decaying urban and the poppies lush with life. The wall and the flowers are only within a 15 minute walk from the other. Co-existing in a way that people can't. Can't seem to anyway.

august 17, 2008
you with the stars in your eyes
Imagining stars in the sky... the colours they burn in... how new ones burst into life. How is the colour determined? Do they choose the colours themselves? Choose the intensity of the burn? I picture a neon-ish light green radiating spot.

august 15, 2008
sleeve rolling
Philosophy is useless when there is work to be done - then it is time to simply roll up the sleeves and get on with it. Philosophizing seems an act of luxury for the idle. Getting lost in my head hinders me sometimes, I think.

august 14, 2008
a favorite place

Click image to enlarge.

august 13, 2008
the doctor is in
Dr. A___ today. Was in with him for over 40 minutes. You just never know with him. Sometimes I'm in and out in under 5 minutes and other times like today - who knows. His schedule is as eratic, unpredictable and crazy as some of his patients. Present company excluded of course.

august 10, 2008
BB10
Big Brother 10 is the most boring Big Brother ever.

august 7, 2008
tooth & brain
Between the dental work and mental work I'm pretty tired. Living between the dental amd the mental.

august 3, 2008
the idiot speaks
I am thinking more about what I wrote yesterday... about how people have this amazing opportunity to be able to address the world. To speak your own truth... and how so many people are just using the opportunity to ashole off. I guess I have to also look at what I'm saying in my online diary.... how much of it is my truth and how much of it is just me assholing off? I mean - it is genuinely is my truth.... even what I see as me assholing off is also another aspect of my truth.
Entries like this one make me feel idiotic. Talking about myself - analyzing myself. What an exercise in ego. Am I digitally egotistical?
No, no, no. It's not so much that. And even if it is I can change it. Or at least adjust it.
Come to think of it, feeling like an idiot sometimes is part of my truth.
You can feel like an idiot and not have to qualify it.
Sometimes I feel like an idiot - period.

august 2, 2008
ya better be
The internet gives everyone with access to it the opportunity to speak to the entire world. And everyone is saying something. I read profiles at this one "social newtork" site on my phone to kill time. It amazes me that so many of the profiles all work on the angle that you had better be what they want you to be or, in the case of one profile, you can just go kill yourself. That was literally in one of the profiles.... except that it was spealled "kill yaself." Wow.

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