diary Archive: April, 2009.



april 30, 2009
i dream of gravity

In my dream I'm in the woods - I see a tree spinning and spinning, it's roots coming free of the earth. It then shoots up into the sky like a rocket... so far and so high that it disappears. Then I see a small boulder also shoot rocket-like into the air where it disappears in the sky. I know what's happening - gravity has developed holes. I come out of the woods and I'm on a street that I don't know. I see a parked car fly up into the air as though weightless. The roof and then most of the top of a large house give way to this deficiency of gravity. I hear strange sounds around me as other things - cars, houses, trees shoot into the air. This dream left a huge impression on me as I often (and I know how much of a nut-job I'll sound like saying this) have these strange jolts where I become rally aware of gravity. I feel like I'm not being pulled down, more that I am being pushed down, held down really... a heaviness on top of me like a blanket. It's not an unpleasant feeling... just unusual. The feeling comes and goes... a "from time-to-time" thing. Maybe in my dream the blanket of gravity develops holes where it's become threadbare from holding all of us and all of our crap down. I have to say that sometimes when I "feel" gravity that it's kind of a nice feeling, actually. Reassuring.



april 30, 2009
dvd review: great american snuff film

Promises to be the MOST disturbing film you've ever seen. I had SUCH high hopes. All I can say is: Give me a fucking break.
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 2.7/10

april 27, 2009
in the snooze

You know, all this talk of Swine Flu in the news and all I can think is: I hope Miss Piggy is okay.



april 27, 2009
within my reach

When I was in junior high the phys ed teacher was a nice enough guy but occasionally his talks were.... well... odd. I remember (how could I forget) one day in the midst of talking about joining the soccer team (I was on it - hard to believe, I know) he veered into warning us all not to become body builders. His reason for this advice? He told us that the bigger body builders are so big and muscled that they can't wipe their own asses. Honest to God, that's what he said... and it may very well be true, but in the eighth grade I don't think any of us were in danger. Then again all these years later and I haven't forgotten what he said - I'm willing to bet everyone in that class remembers it. (When else in your life would you hear a teacher say the words "wipe their asses") Now, I'm muscley (not quite body builder muscley) and of a big build but I assure you that I am still capable of... well - I'll put it more delicately than my teacher did - maintaining proper hygiene. If I ever decide to become more muscley I will take his advice into consideration though. Just another tale from the treasure trove of strange tales that make up my questionable education. Next time I'll tell you about my first kiss - in the second grade no less! What a stud - muscles and all.



april 27, 2009
dvd review: the midnight meat train

Pretty effective and pretty interesting. Very grisly. Interesting to see a gore flick taking advantage of the new age of computer-assisted film making. I'm glad that it was as gruesome, bloody and sadistic as it was - the film veers into the supernatural and that does nothing for me. A tiny bit too long for me - but oh well. As interesting as the film itself - actually more interesting to me - is a short documentary piece in the special features about Clive Barker (oh - did I mention that the movie is an adaptation of one of his stories?) in his studio and his amazing paintings. I'm fascinated by his paintings - and amazed at the number of them in his studio, which has to be HUGE to house them all. I have no idea if he is ever exhibited or if it's something he does purely to follow an inner urge or drive. I would love to see them in person or at least in a good-sized coffee table book.
Orchidbau Movie Meter (for the film): 5.9/10
Orchidbau Movie Meter (for the Barker artwork feature): 6.2/10



april 25, 2009
peeing on the remote edges

Had one big bastard of a migraine last night. Thank God for codiene. Amazing how strong a migraine can be - even after a good dose of ibuprofen, and a really good dose of codiene, I could still feel the remote edges of it. Couldn't turn on the bathroom light - the flourescent lighting practically knocked me unconscious. Thank God for night lights otherwise I would have just peed all over the place. What an inpiring diary entry this turned out to be. Talk of urinating blindly does that. Oh well... at least it gives me a laugh. Hopefully Madame Migraine will leave me alone for awhile... cause tonight Monsieur Back Pain is taking his turn. At least I'll be able to turn the bathroom light on.



april 25, 2009
dvd review: house of 1000 corpses

Sweet Jesus! This is one extraordinarily gorgeous tapestry of utter lunacy and tremendous gore. Writer/director Rob Zombie knows his stuff - he must have some kind of instinct for depravity... I admire that in a man. And oh yes - I don't know how old Karen Black is now but - shazam! - she makes one hell of a sexy murdering lunatic... I mean, she didn't give me wood, but I am gay after all.
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 7.9/10



april 25, 2009
dvd review: six degrees of separation

Three things you need to know about this movie: 1) I am OBSESSED with Stockard Channing - this movie is the best way to illustrate my obsession. 2) Stockard Channing was ROBBED at the Oscars when Holly Hunter beat her for that ATROCIOUS "The Piano" movie. 3) This movie has THE BEST last line of a movie - EVER! My excessive use of capital letters in this review should tell you how VERY deep my feelings run about this film. Oh , for Christ's sake - go out and get it - NOW! Okay, okay... I'm calming down now. Deep breaths, Orchidbau... don't scare the nice people away. Oh - a fourth thing... Stockard Channing aside - this is cinema at it's very best. One of the very best films I've ever seen.
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 9.7/10



april 25, 2009
girlfriend changed my mind

Okay - I've changed my mind... Douglas Coupland's "Girlfriend In A Coma" is a really great book. I'm liking the characters and the plot has engaged me totally. I shouldn't be surprised. So this is me admitting that - ahem - I was wrong.... and that happens so rarely I thought I would commit it here for posterity. What a well rounded guy I am. (Insert eye rolling here.)



april 21, 2009
dvd review: alice in wonderland

Alice, Alice, Alice. I used to think to really appreciate Alice you had to get high first... but the movie is just so trippy you will feel like you're high anyway. I doubt that Walt Disney intended this... then again, who knows?
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 6.3/10



april 21, 2009
gnawing bones

Today would have been my father's birthday. And the day only makes the puzzle that is my father more complex and more frustrating. Why is it lately I can only seem to focus on the things he did wrong and nothing he did right? Even though the things he did right greatly exceeded anything he did wrong. This just results in dealing with my feelings being hurt all over again. I'm 38 years old and yet with these memories I feel like I've been yanked back to my youth and feeling hurt, confused and angry and scared. I know that if I do the mental math of weighing the things he did wrong against the things he did right the result would be positive, indeed. But still... the wrong side has been gnawing at my bones and I hate it. I fucking hate it, hate it, hate it.



april 20, 2009
eight is (more than) enough

1... Finally feeling much better after one of the nastiest flus I've had in a long, long time. I hope it's totally over. It was gross.
2... Whatever it is that I'm tapping into has me quite intrigued. I've been posting these random bursts at Twitter. I may put them all together at some point. Don't know. For now I'm enjoying seeing what will come to me next.
3... I find the term "new music" in relation to CD releases, etc a bit of an oxymoron. It may be a CD newly released but the music is hardly new. My ears want something inventive and truly new... and I don't think i'm alone in this. As the record companies cry and blame the internet for poor sales in stores, I can only think that if they were offering something new people would come to it. Instead it's all marketing and imitation over artistry. Blah, blah, blah. Okay that's my rant for the day.
4... After having this flu I'm becoming totally germophobic (I doubt that that's an actual word). I am the new King of Purell. My poor hands are being rubbed down with alcohol at every turn - consequently my hands are becoming so dry. Here's a beauty tip for ya: hair conditioner actually makes a nice hand cream. Use a small amount and really work it in.
5... Reading Douglas Coupland's "Girlfriend In A Coma." I've read almost everything else by him - in fact "Eleanor Rigby" and "Hey Nostradamus" are two of my very favorite books of all time - but I'm having problems getting into this one. I can't put my finger on it exactly yet... I think it may be because - so far - I don't like any of the characters. Oh well - I'm only about 60 pages into the thing. We'll see what happens.
6... I haven't heard a really good Helen Keller joke in a long time. Have people stopped telling them?
7... M___ so good natured through my 24/7 of bitching and moaning while I was sick. He tolerates so much. Even when I can't stand myself (which is more often than it really should be) he hangs in there. He is the best.
8... Who decided that prescription drug bottles should be tinted brown? Why not make them blue or pink or whatever? A mystery.



april 20, 2009
just say no?

J____ had a dream that she was kidnapped and taken to what she called "some kind of whorehouse." Once there she was going to be hooked up to some "big machine" to, as she put it, "make me cum." (I should tell you here that J____ found this dream to be very distressing) She was laid on a table and next to her on other tables were women already hooked up to the machines moaning and gasping in the throes of orgasms. It's a weird, weird dream - but from J____ I would expect nothing less. What I don't get is why the prospect of having a really great orgasm so distressing? When in your life have you every said "No, no - I don't want an orgasm!!" I mean.... what the fuck?



april 14, 2009
sick as a goldfish

I've been sick as a dog (where did that phrase originate, I wonder) for almost a week now. I've lost eleven pounds. Wow. Are the strength of these modern "super viruses" a result of a planet that's over populated? Don't know... what I do know is that I am sick of being sick. Hmmm... why not sick as a goat... or sick as a chicken? Sick as a goldfish? Eeeeeep!



april 7, 2009
dvd review: inside

This is the perfect horror film in that it scares the bejesus out of you, the gore flows fast and furious and the plot is plausible. You get all three of these elements and you have the greatest and rarest kind of horror film. Few others can achieve what this does. As for my thoughts on it.... I have only two words: HOLY FUCK! Get it, watch it and put something soft on the floor where your jaw will drop.
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 9.4/10



april 6, 2009
five alive

1... Finally had some decent sleep during an all-too-short nap this evening. I guess that proves it was the Melatonin that was fucking my sleep up. Ironic considering it's meant to give you a better nights sleep. Could just be my weird system though.
2... Its really interesting writing from the point of view of an 11 yeard old girl... a very pissed-off 11 year old girl. That a 38 year old man (that would be me) can get into that headspace is very interesting to me. Maybe there's a little pissed-off kid lurking inside everyone. I so get her rage... her outrage. And I so get how she chooses to deal with that rage... and how she concentrates her energy into an obsession. I'm really getting into the style of the story - point form, stripped down, excess tossed away. Her truth is all that matters so that's where I try to keep it. I'm not sure how this all will play out and I'm not sure what I'll do with it when it's done. Keep it to myself? Post it to the website? I don't know. All I know for sure is that I have more in common with some kids than I always believe.
3... At present I'm obsessed with "The Strangers"
4... The world keeps on spinning and spinning and I don't really know how. And I guess it's okay that I don't. What I really don't get is how the gap between the prosperous and the unfortunate (aka the rich and the poor) has grown so narrow.... how there are way fewer people in the middle. How people are fitting into one category or the other these days. The in-between is disappearing. It's odd and unsettling. No wonder so many people are flipping out these days. And why America is desperate for Obama to wave some kind of magic wand. I don't see it happening - I mean, I hope I'm wrong about that.... but I don't think so.
5... I have a magic wand but it is illegal for me to wave it in public. (Cheap joke.... oh well.)



april 4, 2009
dvd review: the piano teacher

For me, writer/director Michael Haneke can do no wrong. Even in this film - which is my least favorite of his that I've seen so far - he scores MAJOR points in ingenuity and individualism. Obviously I could go on and on - but I'll spare you that. What can I tell you about this movie that sums it up best? Well - there is a scene where the middle aged female lead sexually accosts her elderly mother in the middle of the night. Take from that what you will.... if that makes you feel all weird and icky then you should probably not bother seeing this movie.... BUT if this scenario intrigues you - as it would definitely intrigue me (but then I'm drawn to the strange and bizarre like a magnet) - then this is the flick for you. Like all of Haneke's films you'll want to watch it more than once or twice - you get something different from it every time. Oh, and I laughed my guts out when, after the sexual tussle, the daughter tells her mother "I saw the hair on your sex." I was quoting that line for ages.... I think I still do. As a matter of fact if it weren't so late at night right now I'd call someone up and quote it... what the hell, I think I'll do it anyhow.
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 8.9/10


april 4, 2009
happiness is a warm stash

I've been having some intense, violent dreams. Really violent. I wake up and my head feels so heavy and my body feels like it was run over by a truck. And overheated. It's quite unpleasant to say the least. I wonder if it has anything to do with the changing of the seasons? I swear that's what my annual cluster of migraines is due to. They haven't started yet, but I am prepared for when they do - I have a good stash of pills on standby - some on my night table and some in my bag.... hmmmm.... I should be careful or this diary will start to read like "Valley Of The Dolls."



april 4, 2009
frenching the enemy

Nothings going to find you if you're frenching the enemy. No sizzle or burn or speck of light. Just the enemy tongue passing between your lips. All at the water, echoing forever on the fast track like water. Frenching the enemy, taking no time to breathe just getting wasted by the water. And the cusp of this kiss is no remix, is no effort and no special effect. Tasting the enemy and mapping the sway, the swagger, the dancing, the screaming, the laughing, the rapping on doors. Sucking tongue, making ozone, cracking glitter, sparks on a stone. Breathless on the sand. Shirtless on frenzy. Hello skinny girl, girl on a wafer, girl on glass. Boy swallowing the fiction, the friction, the everything everywhere. Frenching the enemy, frenching like kings. Waiting for the band, the beatings the bitches and bastards floating on the wind. Frenching the enemy, eating jewellery, breathing the poison, laughing at piss. Frenching the enemy, waiting at the gate. Frenching the enemy, the taste. Frenching the enemy, frenching the, frenching you, frenching me. Frenching the enemy and laughing at kings.



april 2, 2009
at least i'm not writing about "american idol" this year

I find it so funny that the most common questions e-mailed to my site are about Billy Wigboom and Gennifer Wax. People ask if they are real.... do I know them... are they fictitious.... do they know that I'm writing about them... is Gennifer Wax really in jail? I can't help but laugh. My response to any Wigboom/Wax query is that I have their permission to immortalize them on the web.   I think the question people should be asking is whether or not I'm real.... do I know myself... do I have my permission to write about myself? I have no answer at all to those questions. But my favorite e-mail ever to come into the site was the shortest and sweetest... it said "I hate you and I hate your website." No more, no less. At least you know where you stand. Oh and I was proposed to by e-mail... I thought it was pretty nuts at the time, but now I choose to be flattered I mean, I'm a tad nutty myself. Who am I to judge?



april 2, 2009
dvd review: a dirty shame

This is writer/director John Waters' most recent film... because he is my favorite in all the world I could talk about this movie til I'm blue in the face (and possibly the balls).... but in the interest of brevity I'll say just this about it: Tracy Ullman picks up a water bottle with her vagina. Do you really need to know more than that?!?
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 9.5/10



april 2, 2009
dvd review: the machinist

Christian Bale lost 63 pounds for this film, making him absolutely skeletal.... a mere 117 pounds. When asked in an interview how he lost the 63 pounds, he answered quite simply "I stopped eating." What more is there to say? Any film that would convince someone to stop eating is well worth seeing. Talk about dedication. I mean, shit. Made in 2004 it now has a strong cult following which also makes it well worth seeing. (An aside - why was Bale saying "fuck" so much such a big deal in the news recently? Good Lord - they should hear me. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Whats the big fucking deal?)
Orchidbau Movie Meter: 7.2/10



april 1, 2009
today

Tree. Disco. Manger. Waiting downstairs. So still. Star. So far. Fracture. Promise. Anger. The willing. The wise. The monster ever sweet.



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